Adelaide News Stories

OOC: These news stories are published in various news outlets - TV, Radio, Newspaper etc. If your character does not subscribe to any of these things because they're a hermit or so ancient that these things are still very new to them, then disregard these news stories.

These news stories are entirely fictional and are written for entertainment purposes.

Last updated: 07/03/2017

Hindley Street Gunfire, Dozens Injured (05/03/2017)
Dozens of late night revelers were injured Saturday night as panic gripped Hindley Street. The sound of automatic weapons fire was heard at around 11pm, sending pedestrians and alfresco diners into a panic. Police call centers were quickly flooded with calls but few callers could provide many details. Dozens of people were injured as they fled the area. A daylight search revealed brass casings most likely fired from an American assault rifle. With no witnesses, no bodies, no blood and no one yet reported missing, investigators are at a loss to explain the incident. Detractors of the current government are calling it a terrorist act to popularize the recent decision to legislate extraterritoriality by making the wider population fearful.

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Cowboys And Indians Shootout Baffles Police (03/03/2017)
Adelaide police at baffled by a murderous party game. Police were called to Thorndon Park, Paradise, just after midday when local residents reported gun shots. Witnesses claim they saw a group of people playing 'cowboys and Indians' in the park with live weapons. The deadly game has taken the lives of twelve participants. One potential survivor with non-lethal arrow wounds took their own life as police arrived, claiming "you'll never take me alive!". Initial investigations have found no obvious links between the competitors in this deadly game.

Body Found In Playground (02/03/2017)
Hamra Centre, Hilton - the site of another gruesome murder. Garbage truck driver Ken Worth was horrified to find a body wedged at the top of the community centre's playground slippery slide while collecting the park's bin. The local resident's identity has been supressed but sources indicate the victim has been out late the previous night collecting Pokémon from the many stops surrounding the park. The cause of death has been described as 'a killing blow to the head' before the body was dragged up the slipper slide and allowed to bleed out down the slide. Witnesses are urged to come forward.

Extraterritoriality Framework In Place (02/03/2017)
Parliamentary debate from the 14th to the 16th of February has resulted in legislation being put forward to implement extraterritoriality laws in South Australia. While the extent to which these laws will affect the greater population is unknown, what is certain is that private security and legal firms are most likely to gain from these legislated changes.

Bizarre Twist in Rat Murder Case (26/02/2017)
Patrons of the North Adelaide Golf Club looking forward to a few early morning rounds of golf arrived to a gruesome sight this morning. The bodies of over two dozen rats were found laid out on the fairway in precise formation in order to spell out the statement, "we know who you are, stop killing humans or you're next". Several reports from North Adelaide residents overnight leading up to the findings confirm that a large group of rats were seen being led by a "literal pied piper" towards the area where the morbid message was found. The man has been described as wearing a green harlequin mask, green cap and cloak and holding a flute.

Child Missing, Parents Angry (23/02/2017)
Parents of a missing Walford student have voiced anger over the lack of action in finding their daughter. Mr and Mrs Nesbit have made scathing comments against the Department of Education and Child Development as well as the Department for Child Protection and view the departments as too bound by red tape to be useful. Both departments have given similar responses, citing that as the missing student is 18, legally an adult, there is no legal requirement for them to continue their education and missing persons is a police issue. An overworked police department has stated that while all leads in the missing person case are being followed, a letter written by Katie Nesbit for her parents indicates that she left home of her own volition.

North Adelaide House Fire (23/02/2017)
Hopes that the spate of arson attacks that have plagued Adelaide over the last 12 months have been dashed with yet another deliberately lit fire in North Adelaide. The fire was first noticed by residents on Barnard Street just after midday yesterday. The spread and damage caused by the fire indicates that not only was it deliberately lit, but was carefully planned to destroy the house and everything inside. No one appears to have been hurt in the blaze, and police are searching for the owner of the property.

Clockwork Heist (22/02/2017)
Antiques dealers and second-hand stores across Norwood have been the targets of a series of robberies over the past week. A total of five antique grandfather clocks in addition to over three dozen pocket watches, wrist watches, clocks and other timepieces estimated to be worth upwards of $200,000 in total have been stolen. Police are asking for any persons with information to come forward.

AMAZING Aircraft Leaves Adelaide Airport (20/02/2017)
Aircraft spotters who have yet to catch a glimpse of the unique blimp The Ariadne have missed their chance. The super-high-tech lighter-than-air ship has departed Adelaide Airport overnight just as unexpectedly as it arrived. The blimp's origins and construction remain a mystery as it does not match the production specifications of any other commercially produced aircraft. The owner, Mr Gen Eric of Brisbane, has been unavailable for comment on the origins of the mystery-shrouded air-ship.

AMAZING Aircraft At Adelaide Airport (17/02/2017)
A new type of blimp, never before seen in South Australia, has made it's first landing at Adelaide Airport. "The Ariadne", registered to a Mr Gen Eric, touched down last night after the normal curfew of 11pm thanks to it's solar-powered electric engines. The blimp has thrilled local plane-spotters as it appears to be a unique custom-made vehicle. The registered owner, Mr Gen Eric, was unavailable for comment as to why the amazing new vehicle is in Adelaide, how much it cost or how anyone would go about ordering their own. The blimp's registered flights indicate it will be at the airport until the 19th, so enthusiasts wishing to get a photo of the unique aircraft are advised to use macroscopic lenses from the western viewing bay on Tapleys Hill Road.

Arsonists Die In Own Fire (06/02/2017)
Fire crews responded to calls by Magill residents on Sunday afternoon claiming that a group of men had set fire to the abandoned Magill Youth Training Center. The complex, originally built as an alternative to prison for troubled youths, had been officially decommissioned since 2011 but as yet had not been repurposed or renovated. Fire crews arrived at the scene to find one wing of the complex on fire. The blaze was limited to half the complex. Investigators then found the bodies of four men - confirmed to be the owners of vehicles found parked at the complex - stacked in a pile in one of the rooms of the destroyed section of the building. Police interviews with local residents have failed to turn up any further information.

Rat Murders Continue (06/02/2017)
It is now obvious that there is a serial killer targeting the streets of North Adelaide. A third body has been found in the vicinity of Wellington Square. The body of a local woman was found by council workers on Monday morning as they tended to the square's plant beds. Similar to the previous two cases, the body was found exsanguinated and chewed to the point of irrecognisability by rodents.

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Mint Condition Jaguar Found In Farm Shed (03/02/2017)
A rare 1994 Jaguar XJ in near-mint condition has been found in a farm shed near the town of Burra in South Australia. The car, one of only 6000 made, has an estimated auction value of $500,000. The discovery has prompted rural property owners to check their back sheds to see if there are any other rare finds hiding out there. The property owners have reported that they have no idea how long the car had been hiding in their shed, and engine number checks have revealed nothing about who the owner might be. While very much a collectors item, the XJ Jaguar is impractical for rural use and will probabyl go to auction.

Drug Crisis Continues (02/02/2017)
The massive increase in availability and drop in price of drugs on the Adelaide streets continues to keep emergency wards full. Not only the acute cases of overdose or poisoning turning up, but secondary cases like the victims of drug-related violence or vehicle accidents.

Orangutans Play Computer Games (30/1/2017)
Melbourne Zoo staff have used Xbox Kinnect and interactive whiteboard technology to let intelligent primates play computer games on the floor of their enclosure. The games demonstrate how intelligent the primates are, and zoo staff hope that by showing the orangutans can play computer games, more people will be able to develop a bond with and appreciate the animals.

Dismembered Corpse Found In Washing Machine (29/1/2017)
Single mother of two Glenys Hadcombe was found dead by her children Sunday afternoon. Her two children, Dana and Krait, found their mother when they visited for a regular Sunday lunch gathering. When neither the doorbell or calling their mother's mobile phone gave a response, the son and daughter entered the house by the unlocked back door. A quick search revealed no sign of the missing parent but a second search revealed small bloodied handprints in the laundry. The horrified children found the dismembered corpse of their mother stashed in the washing machine.

State Government To Review Extraterritoriality (27/1/2017)
Pushes by private businesses, security companies and individuals from Adelaide's upper class have successfully resulted in taking the extraterritoriality debate to the Stat Government. The breakthrough will be debated in parliament from the 14th to the 16th of February with representatives from the Crown Solicitor's Office and the Australian Defense Force in attendance.

Cult Murders Shatter Folk Music Festival (27/1/2017)
The Australia Day folk music festival in the Mount Lofty Botanical Gardens was, for most people, a day to celebrate the music of the country and food of the region. Event organisers cleaning up at the end of the day found the bodies of two people partially hidden in a stormwater drain. The two victims, unrelated to each other, appear to have been killed in a bizarre cult ritual: puncture wounds to the neck lead to death through blood loss. If further forensic evidence links these murders to similar recent killings around the state, police may call in a federal task force.

Second Rat-Chewed Corpse Found In North Adelaide (26/1/2017)
Police and animal behaviorists are stumped by the discovery of a second rat-chewed body in North Adelaide. With no known witnesses, a barely identifiable corpse and only geographic location and modus operandi linking the two deaths, police are urging anyone with any information to contact them directly or anonymously through Crime Stoppers.

Adelaide Walk-In Clinic To Re-open (24/1/2017)
In a step forward against the declining health services, the Adelaide Walk-In Clinic will reopen in March. The facility went into administration when government funding ceased in 2016, coinciding with the opening of a series of smaller 24 hour clinics in each corner of the CDB. When the business model for those clinics failed the city was left with very few 24 hour medical services other than hospital Emergency Departments. The opening of the Walk-In Clinic, a facility specifically for people who need medical attention but are not in a life-threatening condition, is expected to be a boon for the overstressed health service.

Evidence Of Experimental Weaponry Found (24/1/2017)
CSIRO and DSTO staff have released a report on cartridge cases handed in to a suburban police station in October. The cartridges appear to be miniaturised variant of an experimental plasma-based weapons system currently being developed by the US military. Investigators are not yet ready to declare the find an authentic advancement in weapons technology - in which case a search would be on for the designers and manufacturers - or an elaborate hoax hinting at weapons systems with incredible range and accuracy.

Corpse Left Unrecognizable (24/1/2017)
A body found in Frederick Place, North Adelaide, has been confirmed as that of a local resident today. The body, found Sunday morning, has taken so long to identify as it had been severely chewed on by rodents. The cause of death is yet to be determined and authorities are concerned about the sudden change in animal behaviour. The Adelaide City Council has set up a hotline for concerned residents to report rat sightings and request trappers and exterminators.

Corpse Found In Parklands (23/1/2017)
A body has been found in the parklands between Brouhgman Place and King William Road. Behavioural Analysts have linked the murder to several others cases over the last six months though still do not have an accurate description or motive for the killings.

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Australia Day Folk Festival (18/1/2017)
The Mount Lofty Botanic Gardens will host an Australian Folk Music Festival on Australia Day. The festival will celebrate the works of famous Australian country singer Slim Dusty, former Northern Territory premier Ted Egan, controversial and shamed artist Rolf Harris and many other artists who have contributed to the genre of Australian country music. Produce from Adelaide Hills orchards, micro-breweries and other small and local businesses will be available. Due to limited parking, a bus service will be offered from the Adelaide Showgrounds car park on Greenhill Road with services running hourly.

House Fire Deepens Conspiracy (18/1/2017)
Major Crime officers have confirmed that a West Lakes house that burnt down last week was the residence of missing high-society poster-child Rose Blackthorne. Reports indicate that no bodies were found inside the building and no one was hurt but the fire did appear to be deliberately lit.

Bouncer Assaults Club-Goer (15/1/2017)
A bouncer at popular Adelaide nightclub Bars Mar has been arrested after a brutal assault on a club patron. The bouncer was seen leaving his post at the club entrance to extract a patron from the club's main dance floor. Several witnesses are being interviewed by police, but initial reports indicate the assault was unprovoked. Police are looking for a "gosh-darn handsome man" of Mediterranean decent who was seen having an argument with the victim earlier that night and was later seen watching the assault as it took place on the footpath outside the club.

Rotunda Roulette (11/1/2017)
Authorities are at a complete loss to explain the deaths of six people at the Elder Park Rotunda on Tuesday evening. Pedestrians fled and police were called when gun shots were heard at approximately 5:30pm. Emergency response crews arrived to find six people wearing maids and butlers costumes all suffering from self-inflicted gunshot wounds to the head in what looks like a bizarre suicide pact. The only clues as to what happened were social media messages from one of the maids sent moments before the shootings that declared "Playing Reverse Russian Roulette!".

Emergency Wards Overflowing (02/1/2017)
Emergency wards in every one of Adelaide's hospitals were over capacity over the New Year's weekend. Where the weeks lading up to the holiday period had seen a decrease in recreational drug availability, New Years Eve itself reversed this trend with several recreational and very dangerous drugs flooding the market at record low prices. At some venues a drug dose could be bought for less than the price of a premixed drink. The result is a spate of overdoses and people taking new drugs for the first time.

Elderly Couple Killed In Garage (31/12/2016)
Paralowie retirees Mr and Mrs Henderson were found dead at their home on Sunday afternoon. The couple, noted absent from their regular Sunday morning church service, were found by fellow parishioners who visited the Paralowie residence out of concern. The couple were found in their car in the property's garage. An autopsy is still to be performed to discover the cause of death, and wether the removal of the couple's feet occurred before or after death.

Boxing Day Massacre (26/12/2016)
Eight are reported dead and a further twenty-six injured after a confrontation between rival outlaw motorcycle gangs Black Wings MC and Gravedirt MC at Sam Johnson Sportsground in Renown Park. The shootout started when the President of the Gravedirt MC, Jimmy Limbash, confronted members of the Black Wings MC who were attending a social function at the sportsground. Police Commissioner Edward Newgent has released a statement saying that the police will be charging all persons involved and will be launching a full investigation into the events leading up to the massacre.

Four Horsemen Of Christmas (23/12/2016)
The states emergency services are keeping a record number of staff on alert over the Christmas and New Years break as analysts predict social catastrophe is on the horizon. As previously reported the late spring rains have lead to an increase in vermin populations that are currently being driven south towards Adelaide by bushfires. A suburban shootout between established outlaw motorcycle clubs in Adelaide newcomers 'Goats MC' looks like the tip of the iceberg for gang warfare. Underprivileged South Australians will not see a reprieve from their daily struggles as suspected theft and fraud shatter the charitable atmosphere of Christmas. Hospital and ambulance crews are also on the alert for people choosing to take recreational drugs to celebrate the silly season as a 'statewide shortage' leads to some users trying to manufacturer their own and others turning to household chemicals. Followers of Nora Roth are preparing for the world to end in the next few days while others believe the end will come with a Solar Eclipse on August 21st, 2017.

Rape And Murder Hit Country Towns (23/12/2016)
The small country towns of Balaklava, Port Wakefield and Snowtown have been left in shock as each town has been hit by a series of similar sexual assaults and murders. Initially thought to be isolated events, investigations have identified similarities between the incidents that lead police to suspect a serial rapist/murderer is attacking country towns to the north of Adelaide. Port Wakefield resident and mechanic Graham Peach expresses the town's opinion succinctly: "This is f***ed up b*****it. Some mother****** is wrecking up Christmas for the lot of us. Them towns in the South East had clowns - at least you can tell who the clowns are. We got some sneaky f*** that noone can tell who it is."

Volunteer Organisations Say Christmas Turned Sinister (22/12/2016)
Many South Australian disadvantaged will be turned away from shelters and aid agencies this year following a series of disappearances of Christmas donations, and large scale absenteeism of volunteers. "Even if we were able to get more donations, we wouldn't be able to deploy them appropriately this late." Said Lawrence Foley, a volunteer coordinator for St Vincent de Pauls. A number of shelters will be closed following these suspected thefts, and investigations by South Australian police are ongoing.

Drug Lab Restoration 'A Miracle' (18/12/2016)
Victor Harbor residents have reported that a house containing a drug lab that burnt down last week has been restored. The free-standing house had been extensively damages in an explosion and subsequent fire caused by dangerous chemicals used to produce methamphetamines. Windows had been blown out and the roof had partially collapsed. Members of the public and official investigators have photos of the house in its damaged state, but today it appears undamaged and in a very similar condition to before the explosion. Clean-up crews have returned to the site to search for and remove the precursor chemicals used in the drug manufacturing process but have no explanation for the buildings miraculous repair.

Blackthorne Conspiracy Continues (14/12/2016)
In another blow to the Adelaide-based Blackthorne Empire, police are now searching for Rosemary Blackthorne. Police initially wished to speak with Miss Blackthorne over the disappearance of her brother and real-estate magnate, Andrew Blackthorne, and the bizarre circumstance surround the alleged suicide of his personal assistant. While unavailable at the time due to interstate business travel, Rosemary had since returned to Adelaide and had been seen by a number of influential people in the city's upper class. Business associates became concerned at her unexpected skipping of meetings and Police had already flagged her as a person of interest when she was reported missing. Miss Blackthorne was last seen in the suburb of Teringue being dropped off on Glen Stuart Road by a taxi driver. Surviving members of the family were unavailable for comment in what appears to be a targeted assassination of the heirs to the Blackthorne Empire.

Retail Sales Boom Leading Up To Holidays (13/12/2016)
Australians loosened their purse strings in the lead up to Christmas, with those in South Australia increasing their spending the most. Retail sales figures from the Australian Bureau of Statistics rose by 0.4 per cent in November, in line with economists' expectations. Spending rose to $24.8 billion during November, with groceries, household goods and spending at cafes and restaurants rising most strongly in the month. In a hit to department stores, sales fell 0.8 per cent, after a 3.6 per cent rise in October. Deutsche Bank said the result was the first time since April "larger stores" posted weaker monthly growth than smaller retailers. In a note to clients, Westpac senior economist Matthew Hassan said the results were stronger than the headline numbers suggested. "Households are more comfortable with their family finances, against the backdrop of stronger job gains," Mr Hassan wrote. "International tourism numbers are rising at a healthy clip, boosted by the lower dollar, another plus for retailers." Reuters said the Australian retail industry was worth $290 billion a year and was the second biggest employer with 1.25 million workers.

Disadvantaged Blessed As Charity Rates Skyrocket (13/12/2016)
South Australian homeless and disadvantaged are being thought of by Adelaide as donations of time, goods, and money are at record highs. Aid organisations are pleasantly surprised by the outpouring of support, but are still asking for more. Said Jonathan Williams from the Salvation Army "The Christmas Spirit is truly visible in the actions of the people of South Australia."

Suicide Confirmed In Deadly House Fire (13/12/2016)
A series of housefires in Adelaide's South that claimed four lives has been confirmed to have been intentionally set by a man who then committed suicide on the premises. The man, who investigators have not released the name of, is also thought to be involved in the recent disappearance of a woman from the area. If you need help, please contact Lifeline Australia on 13 11 14.

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Backyard Drug Lab Explosion (10/12/2016)
A Victor Harbor home became the target of fire, police and ambulance services yesterday after neighbours reported an explosion. The explosion was allegedly caused by equipment and chemicals used in the production of methamphetamine. One person has been arrested and another is under police protection in hospital until they regain consciousness.

War On Drugs Mixed Victory (10/12/2016)
Law enforcement agencies have reported successfully tracking down and dismantling a ring of five backyard drug labs over the last week. The investigation, triggered by the bulk purchasing of several base ingredients, lead to the closure of the labs and the arrest of 11 individuals, some of whom already had a criminal history. Police and Health Department representatives agree that the proliferation of backyard labs during a 'drug drought' can only have negative effects on society.

A Capella Performance Woos Diners (9/12/2016)
Late night diners at Primos, Marion, were treated to an unexpected unaccompanied performance by the little-known group Sofo Kantisto. The singers, who arrived in Adelaide earlier this week, plan to perform at venues around the city before Mad March, when they claim events like Womadelaide and the Fringe will actually hamper their efforts to break into the live entertainment scene. "When everyone's doing it", stated lead singer Pitr, "it's hard to get noticed. So we are hear early to entertain in the warm summer nights before the city fills up with artists". Their next performance will be at La Boheme on Saturday night.

Titanium Theft Baffles Authorities (6/12/2016)
Port Adelaide defense fabricators are missing two tonnes of industrial grade titanium sheets. AFP and ADF task forces are working together to investigate the robbery, that also included two forklifts. Police are appealing to the public for anyone who might have seen anything regarding this.

Two Out Of Three Students Found (5/12/2016)
Bodies of two of the three students previously reported missing have been found. The corpses were discovered by Angus Fry, owner of Fry's Meats, Henley Beach. Mr Fry was woken at approximately 2am by his shop's alarm system. Driving to the scene, Mr Fry found that the butcher's shop had been broken into and the bodies of two students hung from meat hooks in the walk-in fridge. Mr Fry is seeking counselling while police investigate the scene, but has stated that given the circumstance, all equipment in the shop will be sterilised and all meat stock disposed rather than risk selling contaminated product to the public. The third student, female, is still unaccounted for.

Students Missing (5/12/2016)
Three students from Henley High School have been reported missing. Police and parents are concerned for the children due to the sighting of clowns in the area over the weekend.

Clowns Sighted In Adelaide (4/12/2016)
The trio of clowns suspected to be behind the string of country town terrorist acts has been spotted in Adelaide. Three clowns in blood-stained costumes were seen in Henley Square late Sunday night. Police were called to the square but the clowns evaded capture.

House Fire Claims Three Lives (4/12/2016)
A series of housefires in Adelaide's South claimed three lives, with one more in critical condition following a fire overnight. Fire Authorites have asked that anyone observing any unusual activity in the area to contact police. It is thought that the inital fire spread to neighbouring homes, and arson is suspected following the recovery of a body with gunshot injuries.

House Collapses In North East (4/12/2016)
The Catholic church is asking for donations and support following one of their Domestic Violence shelters collapsing last night. Structural defects are suspected in the incident that caused at least seven deaths.

Jonathan Huntsman dinner great success (2/12/2016)
The Johnathan Huntsman Dinner, a white tie event to raise funds in aid of assisting Adelaide's growing prevelence of homelessness. Over 950 thousand dollars were raised over the evening. (Includes a number of photos)

Clown Arrested At Parliament House (01/12/2016)
A woman dressed in a clown costume was arrested outside parliament house yesterday. Charges include creating a public disturbance, resisting arrest and a number of other minor offenses. A full psychiatric evaluation is pending.

Landscaper Found Dead In Fish Pond (01/12/2016)
A Green Hornet Lanscaping employee was found dead in fiberglass fish pond this morning. The 28 year old man was found with his hands hacked off and the fish pond's pump still circulating blood through a small fountain. Police are treating the death as suspicious.

Living In The Fridge" (01/12/2016)
In a potentially lethal mistake two living people were accidentally sent to the Lyal McEwan hospital's morgue earlier this week. The two unfortunate people, who apparently knew each other, were accidentally put into refrigeration normally reserved for bodies being stored pending an autopsy. Fortunately the unlucky couple drew the attention of hospital staff who let them out of storage. An investigation is being carried out to determine exactly how this mistake occurred and to ensure it does not happen again.

Shoot-Out At Bhuddist Temple (29/11/2016)
Alarmed residents reported a gathering of a mixed group of motorcycle club members at a Bhuddist temple in Parafield. The gathering, consisting of representatives of five outlaw MC groups, quickly turned hostile and shots were fired. Police arrived at the scene and found evidence of a shootout and signs of injury but no bodies. Four motorcycles were impounded and the temple patrons are advised that services have been halted until further notice. A number of homeless people were being kept on-site and have been relocated to housing and care facilities around Adelaide.

Costumes Stolen (29/11/2016)
Costumeland, Melrose Park, was broken into last night and several hundred dollars worth of merchandise has been stolen. The theft involved a stolen car ram-raiding the doors to the shop. The car used in the burglary was found this morning, apparently having been run into a tree in the suburb of Clarence Gardens.

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Hjalmar To Play In Adelaide (22/11/2016)
Almost unheard-of Icelandic reggea band Hjalmar have scheduled a tour to Adelaide. When asked why, drummer Helgi Svavar Helgason responded that they got drunk one night and were 'surfing wiki looking for places names after Queens', found Adelaide and decided to launch a tour.

Cat Stolen In House Break-In (21/11/2016)
Hector of Barnard Street, North Adelaide, has reported a break-in to his premises. Home and asleep at the time, Hector was most concerned that the break-in happened and even more worried about what was stolen - one cat answering to the name La Croix, a bowl, three tins of cat food and a box of cat biscuits. Hector is offering a reward for the return of the cat.

Coonalpyn Police Shootout With Clowns (19/11/2016)
Only one night after being called to a horrific clown attack at Tintinara, Coonalpyn police had their second encounter with the trio the media are now dubbing as the 'insane clown posse'. Three clowns appeared out the front of the Coonalpyn police station, challenging the police to catch them. The three on-duty officers approached the trio and could be heard telling them to lay on the ground with their hands on the backs of their heads. When the clowns did not comply, shots were fired. Despite being hit, the clowns fled the scene and evaded police pursuit, suggesting that they were wearing body armour underneath their clown suits or were acting under the influence of drugs.

Tintinara Rouadhouse Horror (18/11/2016)
The horrific rampage of country clowns continues with the Tintinara roadhouse being targeted. Three clowns entered the roadhouse at just after 9:30pm. Most patrons and staff fled and were allowed to leave, but one patron, truck driver Grant Wincenty who was in the bathroom at the time, was not allowed to leave. Mr Wincenty was killed and parts of his body fed through a meat slicer. Coonalpyn police responded immediately to several calls from Tintinara but were unable to apprehend the clowns, despite claims from witnesses that the clowns never left the roadhouse. "It's like they turned up, killed the truckie and vanished!" claims one patron.

Keith BP Attacked By Clowns (14/11/2016)
The Keith BP outlet was attacked by the same trio of clowns that previously struck Bordertown and Padthaway. The attack was discovered by Tilling Stevens, a truck river who had pulled in for a snack. Mr Stevens was first alerted that something was wrong when he noticed the petrol station appeared to be flooded. CFS crews were quickly called to the scene when it was discovered that the petrol bowsers had been left running with their handles held in by duct tape. Later a small bbq was found running at the edge of the carpark. Fortunately it was a cold night and the area was discovered before the bbq could ignite the spilled fuel. It was, however, too late to prevent the atrocity that occurred inside the petrol station. Night shift attendant Bert Mossam was discovered dismembered in the depot's drinks fridge. The words "Hell Keep" were smeared on the fridge's glass doors in Bert's own blood. In response BP has reduced the opening hours of all country service stations to daylight hours only until the clowns are caught.

SA Electric Cars Go Flat (14/11/2016)
With the closure of the Victorian Ford plant and the imminent closure of the Holden and Toyota facilities in Australia, things were looking pretty grim for the manufacturing sector. The last beacon of hope for an Australian automotive industry went out when a little-known start-up pulled the pin on plans to develop and build an electric car in Adelaide. When approached by reporters DSD, DIPTI and DTIE staff were unaware of the development, indicating it was a completely privately backed. The opening of R&D and manufacturing facilities could easily have preserved the jobs of current Holden employees as well as preventing hundred of tons of greenhouse emissions and going a long way to making South Australia the greenest state.

Local Farmer On The Run (14/11/2016)
Jack West, a Mt Barker resident and owner of a small farm, is on the run from police. Events that started with a motor vehicle accident quickly became violent when the passenger of Mr West's Hilux, known as 'Randy', assaulted the driver of the stationary car that the Hilux collided with. The victim filed reports with police and a summons to court was issued for Mr West. Further investigations have shown that Mr West has transferred ownership of his property to the day manager of the farm and has apparently fled the city. Warrants have been issued for the arrest of Jack West and his accomplice, 'Randy', for dangerous driving, failing to exchange details after a motor vehicle collision, assault, recklessly causing grievous bodily harm and failing to appear in court.

Hospital Revival (14/11/2016)
The short-lived Adelaide Emergency Walk-In Clinic may see new life after being bought out by private investors. The hospital, opened in 2013, lost government after the opening of private mini-facilities in each corner of the CBD. The four mini-facilities have now closed - the CEO of the parent company nowhere to be found - leaving a gap in Adelaide's medical services. Last week's purchase of the AEWIC facility and their focus on dealing with walk-in or ambulatory emergencies will relieve pressure on ER and ICU departments in Adelaide's other hospitals and fill the gap between medical issues that can be serviced by a GP and those that need the life-preserving attention of a dedicated ICU.

Psycho Vampire Attack In Northern Suburbs (14/11/2016)
Geoff Palmerston was walking the short distance home from a Salisbury Highway bus stop when he was attacked by two unidentified individuals. "I was walking home like I do every night. I didn;t pay any attention to the two people cause, hey, everyone's allowed to use the footpath, right? I heard running and then wham, one of them had grabbed me and was biting my f---ing neck. Their friend grabbed me too, and I was shoutin' and hollerin'. I guess I got the attention of people from their houses cause some lights came on and they runned off." The speed of the assault and location midway between street lights has left investigators with very few details on the attackers.

Murder Hobo Dumps Body In Street, Runs (14/11/2016)
A motorist in the northern suburbs made a gruesome discovery driving home on Saturday night. She caught a poorly dressed man allegedly trying to hide a corpse under a manhole cover. Forensics indicate the man was only very recently killed. Medical authorities are concerned about the cause of death.

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PA Commits Suicide Over Missing Boss (11/11/2016)
Residents of Brooklyn Towers are in shock over an apparent suicide that took place in the tower's penthouse over the weekend. Jessica Brooke, PA to Brooklyn Towers owner Andrew Blackthorne, was found dead by police on Wednesday morning. Tower residents noticed changes in Ms Brooke's behavior approximately four weeks ago, but noone expected what has just occurred. Ms Brooke was found in the penthouse, doors locked form the side, and allegedly chewed through her own wrists and bled to death. The words "He's gone" were found scrawled on almost every writing surface in the suite. The case is being treated as suspicious and police are now searching for Ms Brooke's employer, Mr Andrew Blackthorne. Anyone with any information on the whereabouts of Mr Andrew Blackthrone is asked to contact their local police station or Crime Stoppers.

Bordertown Next Stop For Horror (11/11/2016)
Bordertown in the south-east is the latest town to be terrorised by a group of three individuals disguised as clowns. The Bordertown RSL was broken into and vandalised overnight. The Flamingo Boutique suffered extensive damage during a burglary and the store's owner was strangled to death with a garter belt. Items of lingerie were stolen and later found strewn over the WW2 artillery piece in the town's memorial park. The three clowns were also seen smashing letterboxes from the back of a stolen ute. Country police are urging all townsfolk to stay indoors at night, to always keep their cell phone with them and to report any suspicious activity immediately.

Duck Duck Goose (02/11/2016)
Students and walkers have noticed that a lone goose has made its home on the banks of the River Torrens in Adelaide. The goose joins several species duck (wood, black, mallard) and other birds that call the river home. The public is reminded that several birds have the ability to put just half of their body to sleep at a time, and if the goose is seen standing on one leg with one eye shut it is not neccessarily injured and the Adelaide City Council does not need to be called.

Police Warning To Clown Copycats (06/11/2016)
Police advice regarding imitating the clowns that have been terrorizing the south east is simple: "Don't". In a press statement the South Australian Chief of Police has stated that in the interest of public safety and well-being, officers have been instructed to treat all clowns out at night as armed and dangerous. The STAR Group has been put on alert and the Crown Solicitor's Office has advised that anyone disguising themself as a clown who does not immediately follow police instructions may invoke the Terrorism Act 2005, which includes special clauses regarding the use of reasonable force. Critics of the state claim this is a knee-jerk overreaction to the high number of unsolved crimes in Adelaide so far this year. Clown advocate groups are claiming discrimination.

Halloween Murder Stops Town (01/11/2016)
The small South Australian town of Padthaway has come to a complete halt after the death of the town's only qualified petrol station attendant. Zach Winslow had kept the petrol station open late on Monday night as a convenience for townsfolk participating in trick-or-treat. Security footage reveals that a group of three disguised people entered the service station, browsed the store for a short time and then attacked Mr Winslow with wrenches and hammers. Mr Winslow's body was cut into pieces that were hidden in the store's slurpee machines. The clowns stayed at the store long enough sell the contaminated slurpees to two different groups of customers.

Davoran Park Man Found Dead (01/11/2016)
A Davoran Park man was found dead by correctional services officers on a routine visit to his home. The man's identity has been withheld pending an investigation.

Patient Missing From RAH ICU (26/10/2016)
RAH administration have been cooperating with police experts to discover how a patient in the Intensive Care Unit disappeared in October. The patient, who was considered braindead and was being kept alive until his next of kin could be reached, disappeared from his bed part-way through a scheduled check by nursing staff. The ICU's video footage reveals a moment of corrupt data and all staff working at the time have been interviewed. Investigators have even spoken to other ICU patients and the matter remains a mystery.

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Country Wedding Crashed By Clowns (24/10/2016)
A wedding in Penola was crashed by individuals dressed as clowns on Sunday. Three clowns forced their way into the entertainment hall of the Coonawarra Must hotel where the reception for the newly wedded Mr and Mrs Carmichael was being held. A number of guests were assaulted and two were dragged outside into the carpark before the clowns escaped into thee darkness.

Missing Girl Spotted By Police (17/10/2016)
A teenager girl missing since 2014 has been spotted by police Adelaide on Saturday night. Officers found Rayne Lane in the company of an unlicensed motorbike rider. She ran when asked for identification. Police and medical professionals have been asked to keep on the lookout for this person. "It's amazing" said Inspector Creden, "that someone on the streets would look so much like their last photograph."

Family Pet Brutalised (17/10/2016)
Mr and Mrs Jackson of Newton were shocked when their six year old daughter discovered a dead cat in their back yard. Natural causes of death have been ruled out as the cat appears to have been eviscerated on both flanks and the body was found drained of blood.

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Pastor Murdered In Own Home (10/10/2016)
Local communities are in shock after a Pastor from the Trinity Lutheran Church in Hope Valley was found dead in his home. The body was discovered by a young couple who were visiting the pastor for marriage counseling and found his house open. The Pastor was found tied to a chair in the house's bathroom. Initial reports indicate that he had been assaulted with a sharp instrument and had been left to bleed to death. Authorities are hoping that the church congregation can assist with the investigation as there were 'surprisingly few' clues in the pastor's house.

Popular Local Guy Stabbed To Death (09/10/2016)
A North Adelaide resident was found dead this morning in backstreets not far from his home. The man, a well-known and frequent patron of the Lion's Head hotel, was discovered by early morning joggers and appears to have been stabbed several times and left to bleed out in the gutter. Police are asking witnesses to come forward.

Car Thief Found Dead (09/10/2016)
A car thief was found dead in a car he was stealing from this morning. The gruesome discovery was made near the corner of Margaret Street and Ward Street.

Good Samaritan Saves Homeless Woman (09/10/2016)
A hospitality worker returning home from night shift came to the rescue of a homeless woman who was staying on a park bench Saturday night. The shift worker, Lucille Dufresne, has been hailed as a hero by hospital staff. "Without her efforts, the lady in question would undoubtedly had died from exposure", commented one of the Women's and Children's Hospital staff. "This city would be a much nicer place if more people cared about others the way Lucille did."

Mysterious Box Left In The City (7/10/2016)
A large metal box was left just off Pitt Street, next to Her Majesty's Theatre, last night. The box was severely damaged and blocked an exit from a residential carpark, leading to residents fuming. The box has been taken by Adelaide City Council while they investigate who left the box.

Clean Up Or Get Snakes (2/10/2016)
Wildlife and ecology experts are advising both rural and metropolitan residents prioritise cleaning up after the recent floods to prevent plague levels of snakes. The argument being put forward is that the high rainfall and warmer weather will increase rodent breeding, and feral cats, foxes and snakes will take advantage of this.

Wild Storms Leave Death In Their Path (2/10/2016)
Wild storms have lashed the state over the last two days, leaving a repair bill in the millions. While power companies scramble to fix the network, reports of backup power failure at at least three South Australian hospitals has lead to the deaths of critically ill and two people undergoing surgery. Backup failures happened in the Royal Adelaide Hospital, Port Lincoln Hospital and Ceduna District Hospital. Police have also reported the deaths of many homeless people who were caught in the storm and unable to get to homeless shelters within the CBD. "We need more centres, even one in each part of the CBD would be a dream..." said Judy March of the Salvation Army.

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Portrush Road Backlog (22/09/2016)
Morning traffic in the eastern suburbs ground to a halt this morning after the overnight collapse of a section of Portrush Road in Glenunga. Initial investigations indicate a burst water main that is suspected to have weakened the road's foundation. Discussions have begun between the several government departments and Water SA as to who will foot the bill for repair costs. Motorists are urged to find alternate routes and vehicles weighing more than 7t are prohibited from using Portrush Road until a seismic survey has been completed. This is not expected to impact on the upcoming Bay to Birdwood classic car run.

Serial Rapist Targets Salisbury Area (21/09/2016)
Police and community groups are urging northern suburb residents not to travel alone after dark after several incidents of sexual assault were reported this week. Each alleged incident occurred in the suburb of Salisbury and after dark. Descriptions from the victims who have come forward so far are all similar, describing a tall, handsome, well-dressed hispanic man with green eyes.

North Adelaide Housefire (20/09/2016)
North Adelaide residents reported a housefire to the MFS last night. The property, 16 Curtiss Street, was vacant and for sale. The fire appears to have been deliberately lit but noone was hurt.

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Adelaide Pride Attacked (17/09/2016)
Pride Models, Kent Town, was the location for the latest inhuman assault on the population of Adelaide. The modelling agency was hosting a development night for potential new recruits to the industry on Friday night when events turned into a scene from a horror film. Statements from the single survivor indicate that at least a dozen persons unknown to the agency entered the building just after 11:30pm and quickly established control over the studio. The survivor, an underage girl trying to break into modelling, has described the assailants as "shadows that move without sound". The attackers then killed the female models and staff by "pointing their faces to the ceiling (before) slicing their necks" and forcing the underage girl to paint messages with their blood on the floor and walls of the studio. The messages include the following statements:
"Gabriel the Destroyer will punish your Pride"
"God's Monster wants you to fear"
"Haughty Eyes"
"The First Sin"
A total of 41 bodies have been recovered and identified. The sixteen male models registered to the event have not been located.

Mall Slaughter Shocks City (15/09/2016)
Adelaide residents face yet more horror as seven bodies were found dumped in Rundle Mall this morning. The bodies, discovered just after 4:30am, were left with messages of a religious nature warning against the sin of Pride. All seven people have been identified and do not seem to be related. The site has been cordoned off while forensics teams search for clues.

Stones-Inspired Graffiti (14/09/2016)
A university student has been detained by police after a string of surprisingly tidy acts of graffiti in the suburn of Northgate late night. The bizarre spate, the result of which is an entire street of houses with their front doors painted black, is considered by police to be confusing but mostly harmless. Upon being detained by police the student began singing the 1960's song "Paint It Black" by The Rolling Stones.

Torrens Weir Opened (14/09/2016)
To prevent flooding the Torrens Weir has been opened to allow rainwater and runoff caught in the Torrens to flow out to sea. Local environmental groups are lobbying state government to put a temporary conduit in place to allow the area formerly known as Lake Albert to be dredged. The area, a common dumping ground for cars and bodies, is suspected of being contaminated with lead, cadmium and other heavy metals that leach out of car chassis.

Blackouts hit Metro Area (12/09/2016)
Recent stormy weather has caused a record number of blackouts in the metropolitan area as the aging power grid struggles against bad weather. Local social activist Travis Burfield states that he woudl have organised a rally outside parliament house but the bad weather would just put people at risk of falling ill.

Mutilations And Kidnapping In Brothel Assault (12/09/2016)
Sex industry workers have been put through a horrifying ordeal when a group of men attacked a suburban brothel. The properly licensed and registered establishment was attacked by a well-coordinated team who took the workers hostage before their leader mutilated the women with what was possibly a ceremonial knife. Security footage is being reviewed to identify the assailants who cut power to the building and made their attack in darkness. Two patrons visiting the house were taken by the assailants and are still missing. Scarlett Alliance representatives are cooperating with police. An official statement from the Scarlett Alliance reminds South Australians that prostitution was legalised in 1993 with the passing of the Brindel Bill and that while some members of the community have objections to the industry, the legislation has dramatically improved the conditions for sex industry workers and the general public.

Missing Body Inquest (12/09/2016)
Health SA has come under fire after trying to cover up the disappearance of a body from the Royal Adelaide Hospital mortuary. The body, presented earlier that evening, was of a Tea Tree Gully resident who had been found dead in the parklands. Relatives of the victim have been contacted and the Coroner's Office is launching a full investigation into the incident.

Power Grid Crisis (08/09/2016)
Recent storms have caused dozens of rural areas to lose power. Country populations are claiming the infrastructure needs a massive overhaul. State Government is drawing plans to privatize the delivery of electricity, claiming that private companies will be able to lower electricity costs as well as spend more on network maintenance. Critics are claiming the numbers have been skewed as every privatisation of every pulic utility so far has lead to higher prices and lower qualities of service.

Duck Season Opens (08/09/2016)
A relatively mild winter and an early start to spring has results in a higher than usual number of ducklings being hatched along the River Torrens. Motorists on War Memorial Drive, King William Road and Victoria Drive are asked to be patient and keep an eye out for wildlife crossing the road.

Bus Stop Corpses Baffle Police (08/09/2016)
Three people were found dead at a Flinders Park bus stop this morning. The three individuals do not appear to be related. Initial medical reports indicate they all died at roughly the same time from heart failure. Doctors are baffled and are waiting for test results for suspected poisoning.

Woman Found Flayed, Crucified (08/09/2016)
An Adelaide woman was found skinned and crucified in the CBD this morning. State authorities are looking for links to terrorist organizations as the killing was performed in a bizarre ritual not seen before in Adelaide. This is the latest in a wave of murders that are extraordinary even for Adelaide, reputed as the strange murder capital of the world.

Editor Found In Vegatative State (08/09/2016)
A newspaper writer working for a popular local paper was found unresponsive by coworkers yesterday. The journalist has been hospitalized and is under observation. The only clues to their sudden collapse are a recent change in work performance that a small group of language specialists are investigating to see if there are any clues to the journalist's collapse.

Extraterritoriality Bid (05/09/2016)
Members of the long-standing and highly influential Adelaide Club is at the head of a push for extraterritoriality clauses in state legislation. Extraterritoriality, the ability for a private property or business premises to be treated as a sovereign body in it's own right, would allow approved locations to define their own laws and give them the ability to enforce them. This would range from security staff being allowed to forcefully evict people no longer desired on the premises to being sanctioned by the state to use lethal force to defend the property or authorized personnel from attack. The movement for extraterritoriality mirrors growing sentiment that the state's crime-fighting tactics are not sufficiently equipped or responding fast enough to save lives, and while so far residential properties have been attacked, a growing number of businesses are looking for legislation that will let them ensure the safety of their patrons.

(05/09/2016)

West Croydon Fire Kills Dozens (05/09/2016)
A deliberately lit fire in West Croydon has killed over 30 people overnight. Cars were pushed into the doorways of a two story apartment block to prevent tenants escaping before the fire was lit. Initial investigations indicate the fire was started in every one of the ground floor apartments simultaneously some time between 2am and 2:30am. Neighbourhood Watch, Crimestoppers, police representatives and local politicians looking to leverage public fear are calling for state legislation that prohibits public security cameras to be overturned as the Adelaide population fears for it's lives.

(05/09/2016)

River Murders Point To North Adelaide (04/09/2016)
Bodies have been found at three locations along the River torrens pointing towards North Adelaide. Three bodies were found at three different sites, where the River passes under Port Road, King William Road and Hackney Road, for a total of nine dead. The bodies were found arranged in an arrow. The Port Road bodies pointed East, the King William Road bodies pointed North East and the Hackney Road bodies pointed North West. Police have been unable to establish a link between the victims and are urging the public not to travel alone at night through poorly lit areas.

Deadly Bus Ride (02/09/2016)
A late-night bus service ended fatally last night with the bizarre murder of nine passengers. Adelaide Metro attempted to contact the bus driver after a stop was skipped and the bus was not seen at the next stop. The bus was eventually found at the Euchunga football oval. The passengers had all been killed and arranged in a bizarre manner on the oval grounds. When viewed from the scoreboard tower, the bodies spell the words "hi BlAck". The bus driver was included in those killed to convey this strange message. Police are reviewing the bus's security footage to identify the culprit.

Police Exchange Program (02/09/2016)
SAPOL is proud to announce the rekindling of the Police Exchange Program that ended in the late 90's. Under the program, selected cadets are given the opportunity to move to Britain to participate in duties overseas and gain a wider experience in policing in general. SAPOL reciprocates the exchange program by offering the same international training to British cadets.

Bear Sighting In Adelaide Hills (02/09/2016)
Park Rangers are on the lookout for a possible bear sighting in the Mt Lofty area. Cleland National Park and the majority of the Mt Lofty walking tracks have been closed in response to the sighting. Scientists have not yet identified the species of bear from photographs provided by local bird-watchers, and are still divided on whether this is a hoax or not.

Brompton Family Slaughtered In Their Sleep (02/09/2016)
In what is possibly a copycat killing, a Brompton family has been murdered and their house set on fire. Emergency crews were called to the scene when a group of teenagers reported the fire. The teens, claiming to be hunting Pocket Monsters, are being questioned by police.

Aliquam erat volutpat (02/09/2016)
Mauris a libero et tortor tincidunt accumsan vitae imperdiet mauris. Morbi venenatis magna orci, faucibus tincidunt sapien sodales nec. Etiam a leo vitae quam iaculis faucibus eu sed nibh. Nunc a tincidunt ligula. Nullam ullamcorper dui nec sapien rutrum finibus. In vitae ex eleifend, placerat magna ac, accumsan turpis. Vestibulum in lacus sodales, pretium turpis vel, egestas velit. Pellentesque quis varius urna, at imperdiet quam. Sed varius efficitur justo ut scelerisque. Aliquam congue vel nibh non imperdiet. Aliquam erat volutpat. Ut semper libero velit, sit amet gravida arcu accumsan non. Duis eu dictum sapien, vel aliquam nulla. Proin rhoncus ut purus eu eleifend. Cras sed tincidunt elit. In commodo vehicula laoreet.

Credit Card Scam (01/09/2016)
Readers are warned against responding to a chainletter email that offers to check if a credit card number is 'lucky'. The email instructs the recipient to post their credit card number on a popular web-based forum so the list-mods can tell them if they are lucky or not. Prize money matching the last four digits of the card is offered, with additional money for anyone the victim refers to the forum.

Writing For Everyone (01/09/2016)
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Family Killed In Horrific House Fire (31/08/2016)
An entire Myrtle Park family is missing, feared dead. Neighbours were awakened early this morning by screams of terror on Bar-Smith Avenue. The family house in question caught fire before police arrived at the scene. The bodies of the family have been recovered and the fire is being treated as suspicious. Crime investigators are not yet certain if this event has any links to a similar recent event in Hackham West.

Man Executed In Local Park (30/08/2016)
Early morning visitor to the Roy Amer Reserve in Hillcrest were shocked to find a dead man tied to a chair. Initial investigations indicate the man was killed by a single bullet to the head. Anyone with any information is urged to contact the police or Crime Stoppers.

Mallala Open Night (26/08/2016)
Mallala Race Track is having an Open Night on Thursday September 1st. The public are invited to watch as the track is made available for three-lap times and head-to-head races. Bookings for competitors open immediately with a track fee of $200 and spectators entrance fee is a flat $5 per head.

Avoid Loan-shark Children (26/08/2016)
Sed interdum in nunc ut tempor. Phasellus ac bibendum nulla. In elementum laoreet elit. Quisque sit amet lorem eget dolor semper sagittis. Donec ut ligula nec magna lobortis maximus vestibulum a nunc. Nulla ut finibus nulla. Pellentesque non congue nunc. Praesent purus enim, aliquam non ex vitae, dignissim ultrices eros.

Another Hackham Victim Identified (26/08/2016)
The identity of another victim of the Hackham West killing spree has been identified. The body of Danielle Coates, a young woman employed at a local radio station, was recovered from the boot of a hatchback that had been dumped off the end of the Noarlunga Jetty. Police are concerned for the safety of Danielle's flatmate, Amelia Crawford, who has not been seen for a number of weeks.

Missing Person Feared Dead (24/08/2016)
Relatives of a northern suburbs woman fear for her life after nearly a month of being unable to contact her. Stephany Harris was last seen leaving her place of work on the 5th of August. Stephany's car has been located abandoned on the Salisbury Highway in Parafield Gardens where it was first reported on the 8th of August. Anyone with any information regarding the whereabouts of Stephany Harris is asked to contact police.

Christies Beach Hit And Run (17/08/2016)
Police are looking for the driver and two victims of a hit and run incident in Christies Beach on Saturday night. Witnesses report a dark sedan collided with two men who were trying to wave the driver down. Disturbingly, the car is alleged to have stopped, reversed back over the two victims and then ran over them a third time before fleeing the scene.

Assault, Kidnapping, Murder in Hackham West (17/08/2016)
Residents in a Hackham West apartment block were left dead or homeless on Saturday night after a brutal terrorising attack on Saturday night. At approximately 8:30pm police received a call from a young woman, known to police, alleging her apartment was being broken into. Neighbours overheard the commotion and also contacted the police. Before a patrol could arrive at the scene a second apartment had been broken into and the couple living there assaulted. The attack ended with the alleged assailants fleeing the scene in a stolen hatchback and later driving off of the end of the Noarlunga jetty. The vehicle has been recovered and forensics teams are investigating what appears to be a ritual killing. Witnesses are urged to contact police and assist with the identification and capture of the attackers.

Body Left On Bar Doorsteps (22/08/2016)
Police are searching for Port Adelaide dock worker after he went missing half way through his shift on Saturday night. The dock worker did not return form a break and his car did not leave the worker's carpark. Police are investigating an anonymous photo that shows a mutilated body left on the front steps of a newly opened bar in North Haven, Lenin's Cabinet, that matches the description of the missing dock worker.

Strange Owl Sightings Over City (20/08/2016)
Another report has surfaced from avid bird-watchers of strange owl behaviour. This time a flock of owls was seen circling the city one way and then the other, roughly following the limits set out by the parklands. This sighting was unusual as owls are normally solitary hunters, and what was seen was a large group of owls, seemingly working together.

Multi-car Pile-up Leaves Six Dead (17/08/2016)
Several vehicles collided at the 'safer' Dequetteville Terrace roundabouts late Tuesday night. Police are interviewing the surviving drivers to piece together what occurred as witnesses report the collisions did not seem to be related. The Britannia Hotel has been temporarily closed for repairs as one of the vehicles ploughed through it's alfresco area.

Finger Points To Body In Bin (16/08/2016)
The body of a man has been found in Adelaide's CBD today after early morning shoppers notices a trail of severed fingers leading to a dumpster. Forensics have confirmed the fingers belonged to the man who was found in several pieces in the large metal bin.

Teen Beaten To A Pulp (14/08/2016)
A teenager has been beaten to a pulp in the Adelaide parklands. The youth was out a small group of friends when they were approached by another small group of individuals. According to the survivors, the approaching group were carrying baseball bats and 'just started wailing on' their friend. The swiftness and brutality of the attack left the group of teens stunned. So far no explanation has been offered as to what started this assault that left three youths unharmed and one dead from 32 fractures and massive blunt force trauma.

Opening Night At Lenin's Cabinet (01/08/2016)
The fourth of August will see the reopening of the Northhaven tavern which now operates under the name 'Lenin's Cabinet'. Opening night happy hour is 8pm till midnight. Experienced staff invited to apply for short-term jobs with possible ongoing opportunities.

Gunshots Heard In Hills (14/07/2016)
A police call-out for gunshots fired in the Adelaide hills has sparked a major crime investigation after the firearm was identified as an assault rifle. Residents reported the gunfire late in the evening and while noone was hurt in the incident, police are left puzzled by the bizarre evidence left behind. Initially residents had reports two rounds fired - which occasionally happens with fox or rabbit hunting in the area, but attitudes changed quickly when automatic gunfire was heard. Investigators discovered that a full clip of 30 rounds of ammunition had been discharged from under a tree. There was also evidence of an attempt to bury something, and a short distance away the corpse of a dog that had been burned to death with a home-made incendiary device.

Old Driveway Not Haunted (02/07/2016)
Local councils would like to remind residents that Andrews Walk is not haunted and that Clifton Manor is not the site of gruesome murders. Local residents have lodged further complaints this winter against youths who visit the walk hopig for a supernatural experience. Some visitors, finding the walk to be far less haunted than hoped, rsort to throwing rocks and screaming into the night. "We don;t want to resort to locking the parks at night" said councillor Eckham, "but we will consider doing so if it means keeping our residents safe."

The Blind Text That Could (02/07/2016)
Far far away, behind the word mountains, far from the countries Vokalia and Consonantia, there live the blind texts. Separated they live in Bookmarksgrove right at the coast of the Semantics, a large language ocean. A small river named Duden flows by their place and supplies it with the necessary regelialia. It is a paradisematic country, in which roasted parts of sentences fly into your mouth. Even the all-powerful Pointing has no control about the blind texts it is an almost unorthographic life One day however a small line of blind text by the name of Lorem Ipsum decided to leave for the far World of Grammar. The Big Oxmox advised her not to do so, because there were thousands of bad Commas, wild Question Marks and devious Semikoli, but the Little Blind Text didn’t listen. She packed her seven versalia, put her initial into the belt and made herself on the way. When she reached the first hills of the Italic Mountains, she had a last view back on the skyline of her hometown Bookmarksgrove, the headline of Alphabet Village and the subline of her own road, the Line Lane. Pityful a rethoric question ran over her cheek, then she continued her way. On her way she met a copy. The copy warned the Little Blind Text, that where it came from it would have been rewritten a thousand times and everything that was left from its origin would be the word "and" and the Little Blind Text should turn around and return to its own, safe country. But nothing the copy said could convince her and so it didn’t take long until a few insidious Copy Writers ambushed her, made her drunk with Longe and Parole and dragged her into their agency, where they abused her for their projects again and again. And if she hasn’t been rewritten, then they are still using her.

ATM Dispenses Cash, Bystanders Injured (02/07/2016)
A number of people were in jured on Tuesday when an ATM in Clovelly Park malfunctioned and began dispensing fifty dollar notes. The ATM, operated by St George, dispensed nearly $2000. A four year old child has been taken to hospital suffering trauma from the rush of opportunistic pedestrians.

Local UE Member Found Dead (02/07/2016)
An Adelaidian Urban Explorer drowned in a stormwater drain when caught by yesterday's torrential downpour. The SES would like to remind everyone that stormwater drains are not safe for exploration, especially when sudden increases in water level are likely. The drain, located near the Adelaide Zoo, is undergoing a safety assesment.

Misprinted Article (02/07/2016)
The Adverlieser would like to apologise for any confusion caused by a misprinted article yesterday. The article, titled "The Extremes Of Good And Evil", was supposed to be replaced with a dead donkey. Due to an internal communications error, the placeholder went to print. Adverlieser executeves have promised two dead donkeys today as recompense for yesterday's skipped dead donkey.

Chemist Chain Closing Down (01/07/2016)
The All Night Apothecary chain of phamacies and first aid points around the Adelaide CBD has gone into receivership. ANA administration point to rising costs, decreasing business and a lack of communication - in fact the complete disappearance - of the founders and guiding bodies of the business.

Fans Blame For Oval Damage (01/07/2016)
Investigations into the damaged Adelaide Oval grounds have revealed that the large bird silhouette burned into the grass was caused by a chemical reaction between two different fertiliser products. The two products, both 'slow release' combined with the increased rainfall as winter approahces to create an acid that poisoned the grass. Maintenance crews are being questioned over the findings and new turf is being brought in so football matches can continue.

The Extremes Of Good And Evil (01/07/2016)
Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Curabitur quis iaculis neque. Vestibulum ante ipsum primis in faucibus orci luctus et ultrices posuere cubilia Curae; Donec quis porta tellus. Mauris et purus vitae tortor lobortis egestas. Aenean imperdiet dolor non nisi varius, ac euismod ante faucibus. Sed mollis lobortis leo, in dictum lacus viverra at. Donec efficitur augue in ligula egestas, sed convallis libero volutpat. Fusce eu finibus libero.

Fire On The Parade (01/07/2016)
An antiques dealership on the Parade, Norwood, was attacked by an arsonist at midday yesterday. Witnesses report a young male of Asian decent pulled up in front of the shop and threw three molotov cocktails through the front windows. Fire crews rushed to the scene but were unable to prevent fire from gutting the building. The arsonist, who's car was caught on camera by several pedestrians, was tracked by police to a shopping centre carpark in Toorak Gardens. The man has been arrested without bail.

Water Is Not Wet (27/06/2016)
The common adage "in other news, water is wet", used as an appendix to an obvious statement may be incorrect. Jacqueline Castles explains: Water isn't wet. Wetness is a description of our experience of water; what happens to us when we come into contact with water in such a way that it impinges on our state of being. We, or our possessions, 'get wet'. A less impinging sense experience of water is that it is cold or warm, while visual experience tells us that it is green or blue or muddy or fast-flowing. We learn by experience that a sensation of wetness is associated with water: 'there must be a leak/I must have sat in something.' Dr Jason Rush of Edinburgh University counters this argument: "The wetness of water is thought to be due to its high moisture content." The debate continues with minimal interest in online forums.

Students Protest Mind Control (26/06/2016)
Students staged a peaceful protest against government mind control and mathematics outside the Adelaide Cit Town Hall on Saturday night. The protest, consisting of about 30 students, gathered at around 10pm and disbanded by 11:30pm. Two students, wearing sheep costumes, were later arrested for drunk and disorderly behavior that was unrelated to the protest.

Rise In PTSD For Vietnam Vets (25/06/2016)
Veteren's Affairs and supporting medical institutes have noted an sharp increase in anxiety and PTSD-related ailments in Vietnam Veterens. The most widely accepted theory is that this year, being the 50th anniversary of the Vietnam War, is putting a lot more media attention onto the events and the survivors of that particular conflict, resulting in emotional trauma for survivors.

Body Found In River (24/06/2016)
The body of a Felixtow man has been found in the Todd Rivulet near the Klemzig Exchange. The gruesome discovery was made by an early-mornigng jogger and immediately reported to authorities. The man was pronounced dead at the scene. Police are treating the death as suspicious.

Fans Blame For Oval Damage (23/06/2016)
Investigations into the damaged Adelaide Oval grounds have revealed that the large bird silhouette burned into the grass was caused by a chemical reaction between two different fertiliser products. The two products, both 'slow release' combined with the increased rainfall as winter approahces to create an acid that poisoned the grass. Maintenance crews are being questioned over the findings and new turf is being brought in so football matches can continue.

Owls Over Adelaide (23/06/2016)
Bird watchers in Adelaide were treated to a rare even earlier this week when several species of owls were seen flying in circles around the CBD. Local birding experts cannot agree on the exact number of species involved, but all agree that this is indeed unusual behaviour for the animals..

Adelaide Oval Vandalism (23/06/2016)
Groundskeepers at the Adelaide Oval are working overtime to have the grounds ready for the next football match. Common household chemicals have been used to burn the grass, leaving a giant picture of a bird in the middle of the oval.

Double Murder In Martial Arts Shop (22/06/2016)
Police were called to the Adelaide Martial Arts Shop on Morphett Street late last night when two customers purchasing an antique katana unexpectedly turned the weapon against other customers. The two victims, shift workers from the Chinatown restaurant "Wok This Way", were both pronounced dead at the scene. Police have interviewed the store owner and are now searching for the perpetrators. The two suspects are described as male, mid-twenties, about 175cm (5'8") tall and of average build. The suspects are considered to be armed and dangerous.

Wonderland Ruined, Owner Still Missing (21/06/2016)
The recently opened Wonderland nightclub on North Terrace was gutted by fire on Monday night. The property, one of two entertainment venues owned by wanted criminal Alister Liddell, was set ablaze at approximately 9pm. Investigators have concluded that fire systems in the building had been tampered with and the blaze was deliberately lit. The fire resulted in a single death. Police would like to talk to any witnesses.

Breaking News: The Intersection of Anzac Highway and Greenhill Road has fallen (16/06/2016)
The intersection of Anzac Highway and Greenhill Road has fallen fell this evening, killing a family of three driving down Anzac Highway. The Premier as released a statement that there will be a full investigation into the collapse, including reviewing structural damage to the Edwards Underground Carpark and SA Power Networks building. Police are on the scene diverting traffic, but have advised people to avoid the area at this time. Trains into the city along the Seaford and Tonsley lines are suspended til further notice.

Wonderland In Receivership (16/06/2016)
Popular North Terrace nightclub Wonderland has gone into receivership. The Nightclub, part of the business portfolio of suspected arsonist Alistar Liddell, is closing down due to outstanding debts. A manhunt continues for Alistar Liddell who has warrants issued for his arrest for kidnapping and firearms offences.

Organ Harvesters Hit Adelaide (14/06/2016)
Visitors and residents of the CBD are urged to avoid dark alleys as after a body was found in Tavistock Lane off of Frome Street. The body, identified as that of a known homeless man Richard Denniger, had been butchered in what can only be described as an amature attempt to harvent organs. Forensics investigators suspect the perpetrators were trying to harvest a kidney but instead removed the victim's spleen - probably due to a complete lack of understanding of human physiology.

Botanic Gardens Bloodbath (13/05/2016)
Investigators are baffled by evidence of a fight that took place in the Mt Lofty Botanic Gardens over the weekend. Forensics investigator Samantha Kirvan states that "There is evidence of a fight, possibly four individuals. Blood tests have shown that most of the spilled blood was from a single individual, and that much blood loss would be terminal. Blood from another individual was found on a knife recovered from the scene, and it looks like at least two bodies were dragged away to a vehicle. We can piece some of it together but without witnesses we have no idea who was involved or what the conflict was about."

Adelaide Construction Boss Arrested (26/05/2016)
Grantham Blakely, CEO of Stafford Builders, has been arrested for a number of offenses this morning. The local businessman is being held by city police after assaulting a number of early morning shoppers in the CBD. He has been charged with indecent language, indecent behavior, urinating in public, humiliating or degrading filming, sexual assault and evading arrest. One shopper, who wishes to remain anonymous, stated "He probably would have got further if he pulled his pants up."

Three Bushwalkers Missing (26/05/2016)
Three bushwalkers have been reported missing. The walkers, believed to be hiking around the Cleland National Park, have not been heard from since Sunday. Emergency Services are searching the scrubland and the car of one of the bushwalkers has been impounded as police search for clues.

SA Power Networks Not At Fault (24/05/2016)
SA Power Networks has been found not at fault for a blackout that affected 2300 residents earlier this week. The incident occurred when power crews were working on underground cables in Golden Grove and the inspection pit the two workers was in collapsed. One worker suffered superficial wounds and the other was rushed to hospital while unconscious. Inspections have shown that the inspection pit collapsed due to erosion that occurred underneath it, but neither worker has been able to comment on the incident.

Camping Store Theft (19/05/2016)
Staff of BCF Richmond have reported the theft of nearly 20 fishing knives. Security footage has revealed the suspected perpetrator to be approximately 6' tall, male and wearing dark cloths. Staff are being interviewed for more details.

Bigfoot Sighting At Chandlers Gulley (16/05/2016)
Supernaturalists are flocking to Chandlers Gulley, Burnside, to try and catch a glimpse of Adelaide's own 'Bigfoot'. The trend started when photos of the beast, also known as 'Sasquatch' or 'yeti' circulated on social media after being snapped by Kelly Spielder, a local bird watcher. "At first I thought it was another birder in a yowie suit", she said, "but after I posted the picture the gully has been full of people with cameras. Noone's going to see anything for a while."

Acid attack in Elizabeth (09/05/2016)
Two people have been the victims of a horrible acid attack. The identities of the victims have been suppressed by police.

Police are investigating if these attacks were racially or religiously motivated.

Rust Around Adelaide (09/05/2016)
Rust has appeared along train and tram lines and Bridges Anzac and Greenhill Road, Henly Beach Road, corner of Port Road and the City Bypass, the train lines just North of it and Morphett Bridge.

Moss Bloodstone (09/05/2016)
The Blood Stone so popular in the news has begun to flower with red roses appearing all over the stone. Tests of the "blood" have returned two separate results. One test returned human blood whilst the other contained decomposed bio-matter. It was later to be revealed as a red moss.

AMI Buys Dick Smiths Branding (05/05/2016)
The Australian Medical Institute, of red and yellow billboard fame, has successfully bought the Dick Smiths brand name. Spokesperson Anita Gelding represented the AMI in a small press conference. "The Australian Medical Institute has been providing health care and improvement services for years and we are proud of the work we do. We also have to move with the times, and market research has shown that people are far more comfortable talking about places and organisations with less formal names than, for example, the Australian Medical Institute. Our goal is not only to help people, but also to encourage the conversations that lead to health benefits. Part of this is adopting a less formal name, thus Dick Smiths."

MaskUp Hits Modbury (04/05/2016)
With flu season just around the corner some Adelaidians are following the Asian trend of wearing dust masks out in public. In densely populated cities like Tokyo this is a gesture of politeness by the ill to prevent the spread of disease, but western society has started picking it up as a way to try and prevent catching cold. The trend is being supported by the anti-vaccine lobby. Building on top of this, some boutique outlets in Tea Tree Plaza have started selling semi-transparent full-face masks that incorporate the dust filters. These masks can be customised with painted-on make-up. Kara Golding, owner of Plaza Passion, states that the masks "provide some protection against catching cold, especially on crowded public transport, but also protect the skin from sun and wind damage and can save time by reducing the morning make-up routine". Kara also says she was inspired by someone she saw hanging around the local comic book store. "He looks exactly the same every day. I figured he had made himself a mask - maybe he's a teenager with a skin condition? And I thought... we all have bad days, we could all benefit from a make-up mask. So I designed the MaskUp." The product is causing concern for bank and petrol station owners who, for security reasons, like to see people's real faces.

Looking Glass Hall - No Fatalities (30/04/2016)
Forensics and fire investigators have announced today that the fire that destroyed Looking Glass Hall did so without any cost to human life. No remains have been found in the building's remains, though police are still looking for Alister Liddell and 'Sarah Thompson', who may also go by the name 'Red'. Alister Liddell should not be approached as he is considered armed and dangerous. Anyone with any information regarding the location of these people is urged to call Crimestoppers.

Looking Glass Hall Blaze (20/04/2016)
Looking Glass Hall, the new establishment recently opened at the site of the Old Spot Hotel, has been destroyed in a fire. The entertainment venue blaze was spotted by motorists and reported to emergency services but the building could not be saved.

Club Owner Wanted By Police (20/04/2016)
Adelaide club owner, Alister Liddell, is wanted for questioning by the police, after a shooting incident which left one officer wounded. The incident occurred while police were managing traffic around the recently opened Looking Glass Hall, a drinking and accommodation establishment owned by Alister Liddell. Alister allegedly arrived at the scene of the fire, shot a police officer twice and kidnapped a young lady known only as 'Sarah Thompson', the only surviving witness of the fire. Police have tracked Alister's vehicle to Parkside and fear for the safety of 'Sarah'. Anyone with any information is urged to contact Crimestoppers. The public is warned to avoid confronting Alister Liddell as he is considered armed and dangerous.

Crime Rise In Norwood (18/04/2016)
There has been a noticeable increase of crime in Noorwood over the last week. Incidence of burglary, property and vehicle damage and grafitti have all risen over the last week.

CEO of Malvern Transport Found Locked In Office (18/04/2016)
Elizabeth Byron, the CEO of local transport company Malvern Transport, was discovered non-responsive by coworking arriving at the company's offices on Monday morning. Emergency services were called to attend and the head of the company is currently in hospital recovering from severe dehydration.

Missing Water Crew (18/04/2016)
SA Water has reported that a repair crew sent to investigate a burst water pipe has failed to report back. The two-man crew was send to North East Road, Hillcrest, where a water pipe has been leaking for several weeks and were to conduct a site survey to prioritise the repair. The crew were dispatched at 2:25pm on Friday and failed to report back to the office. On Monday morning the maintenance truck was found at the site where the crew had closed off one southbound lane of North East Road, but the crew was nowhere to be seen.

Christian Youth Worker Killed in Hit and Run (12/04/2016)
Michael Blake, 21, has been the victim of a fatal hit and run on Sunnyside Drive close to his family's home in Evanston Park. This occurred on the 12th of April at 11pm while walking home after running his local Christian youth group. The driver, who has yet to be apprehended, is likely to have been doing up to 80kms per hour when Michael was hit, crash site investigators have said. The local community are in shock and the family are yet to make a statement however police are condemning hoon driving which is likely the cause. Members of the local youth group are grieving the loss of an inspiration to the local community.

(An insert shot of Gabriel)

Terrorist Attack On Synthblood Warehouse(11/03/2016)
A Synthblood storage and distribution facility in Wingfield was attacked by terrorists late last night. The attack left a number of security personel dead and destroyed millions of dollars worth of medical eqipment and supplies. Surviving security staff are working with police to identify the terrorists, of which there were at least six. The terrorists concealed their identities with balaklavas and began the attack by ramming the facility with a truck stolen from a local truck stop. The truck's owner, Raymond 'Pinky' Batts, was assualted during the theft of his truck and was rushed to hospital. He is in a stable condition. Once the terrorists entered the facility, incendiary devices were used to create an explosion. South Autralia's Premier announced in a press conference today that the attack is being dealt with by local and federal authorities. "We are very lucky that the owners of the facility, foreign investors and other intersted paties, have not delcared this as an Act of War under the extrateritoriality treaties that the facility was operating under. We are very unlucky that a small group of people in this country have chosen to deny all of us access to affordable, bleeding edge medical technology that has saved countless lives since it was introduced to South Australia in October 2015. We can only hope that these extremists are caught before they commit another atrocity against the people of Australia."

Bleeding Stone Still A Thing(11/03/2016)
Adelaide's 'Bleeding Stone', colloquially referred to as 'Miracle Rock', continues to draw crowds. Visitors to the rock include: Barry Trotter: "Yup, it's a bleeding rock!" Helen Tramountanas: "Not even this Miracle will return dear Petrina to us." Luka Karava: "It made my headaches go away." Jack Tomnan: "You'd think this kind of thing would attract a certain crowd..." Sofia Mills: "It inspires faith. Faith in what depends on the person, but it is inspiring." Sebastian Vonegut: "It draws people. Fascinating."

Sleepwalking Woman Writes Political Treatise (07/03/2016)
An 82 year old woman walked into the Bibliotheca boor/bar Sunday evening and wrote a variant of Spinoza's theologico-political treatise. The octogenarian's verison defended natural philosophy from both Christo-Judaic beliefs, Paganism and modern Wicca. What made this event noteworthy was that she wronte the treatise apparantely while asleep.

Sarah Lake Scores 3 Out Of 4(05/03/2016)
Local artist Sarah Lake caused a stir over the weekend when she insisted that her Fringe performance be camera-free. The artist has yet to offer apology or explanation for failing to attend the third out of four performanced scheduled. The fourth and last performance, staged on Friday 4th, was also the launch of Sarah Lake's fourth Album. SoundBite Magazine editor Joyce Carlisle has this to say: "I'm not sure what Sarah Lake's game-plan is here. All publicity is good publicity, so banning photography? Actualyl requesting Fringe security staff to confiscate people's mobile phones? No artist can expect that to sit well with their fan-base. Skipping a performance? Maybe there's something in the water. Anyway, the last performance that launched the new album will be well-remembered - maybe the third was a deliberate silence to make the fourth seem louder? Only Sarah Lake could say, and she hasn't been giving interviews."

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Woman Crushed Queuing For Bleeding Stones
The Adelaide City Council and State Government have issued a joint message asking for people to be considerate of each other and have posted a permanent medical presence at Adelaide's "Bleeding Stones" after a young woman was trampled by the crowd. Reports indicate the Beauford teen had been queueing up for several hours and collapsed and fell underfoot of the crowd. 'Helpful' members of the crowd dragged her forward as close to the Bleeding Stones as police officers would allow in the belief that the 'blood' from the stones - as yet unidentified - would heal her. When police refused to let the crowd to the stone, violence ensued. Police officers defended themselves with pepper spray and riot shields until paramedics could rush the lady to hospital. Despite the best efforts of emergency services, the lady died from internal bleeding.

Social Media Buzz Against Synthblood
Social media sites like MyFace and SpaceBook are buzzing with rumours that Synthblood causes disease. Fake motivational posters and other meme-based material is implying that not only is the product not good for users, but is actually causing harm.

Pool Win
A pool of six staff form the same company have all retired today after confirming substantial winnings in a lotto draw. The group is keeping details to themselves but if the prize money is split evenly, each one will giving their two weeks notice and pocketing a cool two million dollars.

Synthblood Support
In the middle of a backlash against Synthblood, the medical and financial heads of Adelaide's four largest hospitals have stood together to defend the continued use of the product. DR Pavani Danter gave a short presentation at a press conference highlighting that Synthblood had zero chance of cause an immune system reaction which was critical in the care of chemotherapy patients, transplant patients and those with compromised immune systems. Other points included being able to administer the product at the scene of an accident without having to wait for blood-typing tests - a factor that on it's own has already saved nine lives this year, and that the product's shelf life and robust nature meant that country locations with reduced financial support were able to have a blood replacement immediately available. Hospitals are working with the manufactures of Synthblood to make sure that batches of allegedly contaminated product are being replaced, and hospitals are conducting their own screening of the product to test for a number of blood-born diseases. Synthblood as a product has passed Federal and State testing and been cleared as safe for use. The hospital heads were also unanimous in declaring that anyone tampering with the product should be declared guilty of attempted murder and tried as a terrorist.

Torrens Carp Infestation
The River Torrens is suffering a higher than usual number of carp. The introduced species competes with native fish for food but is far less palatable to river birds due to the high number of bones in their body. Removing carp is a very difficult task that has been successfully performed on sections of the Murray River in the past, but scientists are less condifent would work in the Torrens. "The process two-fold. There is a chemical agent that affects just the carp to intefere with their breeding cycle, and there are mechanical traps to physically remove them from the river. This worked in the Murray because the carp were competing againt cod, which have a very different pattern of behaviour. The Torrens contains several species of smaller fish that make trapping very difficult. The other problem we face is members of the public deliberately reintroducing the species from private stock."

Synth-Free Blood Drive
Flinders Medical Centre is hosting a Synth-free blood drive over the following weeks to encourage those who have not had Synthblood infusions to donate. Synthblood is an excellent product for treating trauma and burns victums, but pure human blood is still needed for medical research. Since the introduction of Synthblood to Australia in October 2015, whole blood donations have dropped to a quarter of previous levels as the public perception is that 'science has cured the need to donate blood'.

Marion ATM Gives Out Free Money
Crowds scrambled to get their hands on free cash when a Marion Shopping Centre ATM malfunctioned and began randomly dispensing fifty dollar notes. Noone was hurt in the incident, though one child is suffering an upset stomach after collecting one of the notes and immediately going on a spending spree at Candy Mountain.

Tonsley Set To Expand
The suburb of Tonsley will having it's local borders altered to claim parts of a neighbouring suburb. The move is designed to 'help the public forget' about the negative stigma the neighbouring suburb had due to soil toxicity from being so close to the site of the Mitsubishi car plant.

Job Opportunities
Local media corporation is seeking editors, journalists and reporters for immediate start. Contact details provided.

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Hikers Still Missing
The search for two hikers in the Adelaide Hills is being stepped up with the CFS getting involved as there has been no sign of the missing couple for over a week. Authorities are concerned that even if the couple were well-stocked and rationed their supply, they would have run out of water three days ago. "The cool nights help, but in this heat.... people need water".

Bleeding Stones Bring Crowds
The Adelaide City Council and Metropolitan Police are working together to ensure public safety as large numbers of people flock to the Linear Park Bike Track to catch a glimpse of Adelaide's 'Bleeding Stones'. While a number of religious observers are claiming Stigmatica, Miracle or Sign of the Apocalypse, the State Government and CSIRO have not released any official statements. A leaked memo alleges that if the CSIRO cannot find the answers, the mystery will be handed to the DSTO to investigate - a comment that sparked outrage amongst adherants to the Bleeding Stone's holy nature. The site has been fenced off and crowd control fencing put in place to ensure the public forms an orderly queue to see the phenomena. As of the time of printing, none of the major denominations represented in Adelaide have made an official statement.

Strength Of Five Pillar Economy Confirmed
State officials are pleased to announce that despite concerns over the slow-down in the Chinese economy, the market is showing confidence in the Australian mining industry. Due to local politics the Queensland market experienced the lowest growth as doubts loom over the future of Queensland Nickel. Western Australia's economy continues to grow steadily as a new source of bauxite was discovered and South Australia has seen a sharp upturn in market activity with share trading and share values both increasing.

Sound-Like-Cat Safety Warning
Novelty product "Sound-Like-Cat", manufactured by VWD, is under investigation after a Para Hills teenager passed out while using the product. "Sound-Like-Cat", marketed for the 'temporary relief of witchdoctors', is a soft-shelled gell-cap that quickly dissolves in water, releasing a small amount of helium. The product's warning label contains statutory warnings including "keep out of reach of children", "choking hazard" and "excessive use may cause asphyxiation". The incident has sparked similar concerns over VDW's other novelty product, a high-strength and fast-acting diuretic. As the product is based on an analogue for Methazolamide, currently unregulated in Australia, and sold under the product name "Pee-Like-Horse".

Search For Missing Person
Police are searching Lindon Park and the surrounding suburbs for Angelique Johnstone, who's hired car was found damaged and abandoned in a corner store carpark. Mrs Johnstone, aged 57, had been in South Australia visiting her neice. Concerns were raised when Mrs Jognstone missed her return flight to Sydney on the 3rd of February and failed to answer her mobile phone. "Gran's pretty good with tech, so we got worried when she didn't call to let us know she was home", says distraught neice Bronwyn. Mrs Johnstone was last seen when she spoke briefly with police at the sight of last week's taxi-petrol-tanker collision on the corner of Tapleys Hill and West Beach Roads.

LGBT Support Group Assault
A community centre in the western suburbs was set alight last night by way of a "molotov cocktail". Police reported that the centre had previously reported groups of people hurling abuse at citizens entering the building to attend a support group for the LGBT community. Last night the attacks hit a high point when bricks were hurled through windows, followed by a glass bottle full of flammable liquid. Several people inside the building were admitted to hospital due to burns and smoke inhalation. "We take this very seriously and will be sending a very strong message to those who would seek to harm anyone in the community," said a police spokesperson earlier today.

The Death of Robert Case
Police are looking into the death of prominent Adelaide lawyer Robert Doyle who was found shot in his office within the Office of the Director of Public Prosecutions. Mr Doyle was the lead prosecutor on several high profile cases including the recently finalised Mandy Boorman case where it was found that Norman Green had kidnapped the young Miss Boorman from North Adelaide and had sexually assaulted and murdered the young woman. Norman Green was sentenced to life imprisonment at Yatala Labour Prison. Police are looking into various suspects, as well as aiding in a review of the office security procedures.