The Inquisitor

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The Inquisitor

All the news that is fit to print in Launceston

April 2017 News

12/4/2017 Adult Egg Hunt Extravanganza
Local forestry business magnate David DeBouger of InspirCo has opened up his estate along the Tamar River for the Easter Long Weekend to all 18+ citizens of Launceston. The weekend promises 4 days of drinking, partying, and on Sunday select attendees will partake in a grand Egg Hunt in DeBouger's grand labyrinth. Entry is free with proof of age. Refreshments provided.

9/4/2017 Toasty Disappointment
Launceston residents have noticed a marked increase in the amount of toast burning this week, creating the hashtag "#RIPToast". Residents have reportedly not been able to cook even a single slice of bread without the charcoal encroaching on their snack.

February 2017 News

Australia's Biggest Morning Tea
A riverbank morning tea party to raise money for the Cancer Council took place along the Tamar Inlet Riverbank this morning. Attendees were delighted by a wide selection of locally made teas, cupcakes, sandwiches, and pastries. Ducklings were also spotted, to the delight of the children present.

Elderly Mother Missing
Senior citizen Joselyn Taylor has now been missing for 3 weeks. Her son, Jack Taylor is asking the public to help find his mother. Taylor has provided the following statement to the Inquisitor:
"Mum is 72, has early stage demetia, and uses a walker when she goes out. She has really short white hair and blue eyes. She's 1.4m tall and is really frail. We last saw her leaving her care unit at Sandhill on January 14th and she hasn't come back. Please help us find her."
Anyone with information about the missing woman is asked to call crimestoppers.

January 2017 News

Community Centre Fire
The Launceston Central Community Centre was burned down recently in a tragic arson attack. Police are looking into the culprits but community groups have currently blamed excessive youth unemployment on the matter. Mother Saldani from the Caring Hands Homeless made a public statement condemning the burning, stating:
"It is an affront to Him for this to have happened. Our Lord has guided us to using this Centre for our soup kitchens. It's those schoolless teenager. There's no work for them and without an education to keep them busy all they have is delinquency.
City Major Marcus Stryder has openly stated that those who wish to help the reconstruction can sign the petitions and offer fundraising supports at the Save The Centre Day on March 30th.

Woman Drowned
A beach party with friends turned tragic recently as one of the women, 16 year old Clarissa Jones, tragically drowned. Statements from the Police Inspector Hughes says "the woman commited suicide by walking into the water and holding herself down". The case is not being treated as suspicious.

01/01/2017 Firework Finale
In a great finale to 2016, Launceston's New Years firework display was certainly a contender for the best display across Australia.
Fireworks were set off from one end of the city to the other in a massive show that truly rung in the new year with a bang.

December 2016 News

26/12/2016 Sealy Surprise
A local Launceston resident was surprised this morning after a 200kg fur seal climbed over his cars and took a nap in his drive way. The seal significantly damaged the windshield and roof of both vehicles before taking a rest in the drive way at approximately 6am. The seal, named Lou-Seal, was found more than 50 kilometres from the ocean, is suspected to have gone for a wander from the local estuary a few streets over. This is the third case of seals entering into urban areas over the same number of years.