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The Blue Tongue

All the news that is fit to print in Roxby Downs

November 2016 News

20/11/2016 $4 million early learning upgrade
Roxby Downs could have a new “best practice” model of early learning services by 2018, with a $4 million upgrade announced by SA Premier Jay Weatherill this week.
Visiting Roxby Downs as part of the Country Cabinet tour on Tuesday, Mr Weatherill said BHP Billiton and the State Government would each contribute $2 million to the initiative, aimed at supporting and improving early learning and family services in Roxby Downs.
While the project is still in its infancy, it could result in a new facility potentially located in the current Roxby Downs Area School precinct.

17/11/2016 Missing Bodies of Killers
The bodies of the attackers on the Dark Carnival have gone missing before they could be sent to the coroners office. Police have made no comment about bikie links to trying to avoid proof of iceBerg use in the attackers.

16/11/2016 iceBerg
A new super drug called Iceberg, or iceBerg or Berg is being distributed in the city. It is believed to be made by bikies and they are using Roxby Downs as a test before distributing this potent and extremely addictive drug further afield. It is considered at least three times more addictive than Ice and causes users to be stronger and nearly impervious to pain.

16/11/2016 Carnival in Deadly Attack
The perpetrators of the attack on the Dark Carnival are dead after trying to run at police and Olympic security personnel. It is believed they were high on a new version of Ice that police are warning the city about. The final death toll is four with seven missing and 33 injured in attacks and the stampede to clear the area. The Carnival is now planning to leave the city.

15/11/2016 Breaking News: Carnival in Deadly Attack
The Dark Carnival has been set on fire during what appeared to be a riot. Not many details have come out yet but there are reported deaths and many people missing. The riot seems to have been started by people demanding the worship of a God called Kormac. Police have the location secured.

13/11/2016 Scarlet Survival
Many of our readers will recall the tragic story of Helena Wallis, owner of the fashion boutique Scarlet Sage found murdered in her home in late October. The fate of up to 20 employees hung in the balance as the community tried to come to terms with the loss of one of its favourite daughters.

This office is happy to report that the Scarlet Sage has been saved. A consortium of local business owners, including Glow owner Holly Grant have bailed out the troubled enterprise and engaged the services of up and coming Melbourne Fashion Stylist Lorenzo Rose to head up the new look store.

Staff of Scarlet Sage have been given time off to mourn the loss of their former employer Helena, and will return to work for the grand reopening VIP night. All Profits from the VIP night will be donated to the family of Helena Wallis.

October 2016 News

31/10/2016 Local Larrikin Murdered: Update
In a show of complete disrespect a party was held in the house of the late Derrick Hudson. The culmination of which lead to a fire that burned much of the property, including many irreplaceable pieces of memorabilia. Police would like to speak to a young woman with dreadlocks in relation to this.

30/10/2016 Local Larrikin Murdered
Local larrikin and pool sharp Derrick Hudson was found murdered behind the bar Fools Gold today. Hudson, known for making money off of pool games, was beaten to death by a solid object. Police are considering the death suspicious. Hudson was Australia's number 4 player of snooker and represented the country at the world stage. His body will be sent to Sydney for a funeral to be held later in the week. The papers thoughts and prayers are with his family and friends.

28/10/2016 Police Officer Sweeps up a Spree Killer
Police Constable Knight is being praised for his excelent attention to detail and work with the community in the capture and arrest of an alleged spree killer. The man, who's identity has been suppressed, worked as a janitor at Saint Alexander's Hospital. His motives are unclear currently. Constable Knight is rapidly becoming an officer of merit and is expected to receive a Police Medal for his work on this case.

27/10/2016 Cure for Cancer?
Have local doctors at the St Alexander General Hospital found a cure for cancer? Dr White says, possibly. In a world first experiment on alternative medicines Dr White’s team believe that they have found one that works. While keeping the details of the study secret for the moment, due the rarity of the animal needed for the treatment, Dr White hopes that by the time their treatment becomes accepted in the broader medical practice a synthetic equivalent will be available.

24/10/2016 Scarlet Letter
Roxby Downs business owner, Helena Wallis was found dead in her home midday yesterday. Wallis, owner of fashion boutique store Scarlet Sage had apparently not been able to be reached by friends and family all morning yesterday. Wallis had been expected at one of Roxby Downs’ prestigious parks that morning for her wedding to Roxby Downs resident Julian Veich.
Friends of Wallis, who was two months pregnant according to police, say that she had not been seen since she was escorted from local club GLOW on Saturday night after an incident with Veich.
Wallis had moved to Roxby Downs from Ballarat, Victoria in 2014 to be with Veich who she had met on popular dating website e-harmony. The two had been happy and gotten engaged in late 2015.
Veich was taken into custody soon after the body of Wallis was discovered. No charges have been made as of the moment.
Up to twenty people are set to lose their jobs from the closing of Scarlet Sage with the death of Wallis.

23/10/2016 GLOWing Bright
Prestigious Roxby Downs Nightclub GLOW reopened its doors last night for the first time since the attack that was made some weeks ago. Labelled a ‘soft launch’ by club owner Holly Grant, there seemed to be no change to the atmosphere that the people flock to the club for.
Miss Grant has said that the full launch will be taking place next weekend that that all are, as always, welcome to attend.

22/10/2016 Have Fun.
Residents of Roxby Downs awoke this morning to find lewd graffiti painted on walls and sidewalks. This graffiti depicted various sexual positions that could be utilized in these locations.
There has been a small outcry by many religious members of the community as well as many parents regarding these small pieces of artwork.

18/10/16 Advertisement: Hiring - Editor
The Blue Tongue has a position open in its Editorial Department. You will have proven experience as an editor, excellent judgement on story selection, proven management skills and be decisive and comfortable working in a team. You will be expected write lead stories and opinion pieces on many subjects.
To apply, email your resume and cover letter to hr@thebluetongue.com.au

18/10/16 An Apology
At The Blue Tongue, we’re proud of our rigorous editorial process. Something went wrong in that process and we at The Blue Tongue would like to issue an apology for the quality of recent editorial standards.

14/10/2016 House Fire
That burned house was some kind of satanic suicide cult and linked to the bombing at Glow. <generic heartfelt sentiments>

13/10/2016 House Fire
A house burned down. Does this even rate anymore?

12/10/2016 Ritual Killing of Woman
A local woman, Anne Parks, was found dead today. Police suspect a ritual killing of a potential serial killer. The body had been whipped to death and placed where it wouldn't be found until the height of the day. The police have released this photo of Anne Parks and ask anyone with information to come forward. Anne Parks

09/10/2016 Victorian Organised Crime Linked to Local Attacks.
South Australia Police will broaden an investigation into attempts by what is believed to be Victorian Organised Crime groups to infiltrate and intimidate Roxby Down's nightclub industry following a spate of shootings, fire bombings and two violent attacks on venues over the past month.
On Tuesday, the Mayor will reach out to key stakeholders in a bid to curb an alarming surge in violent crime, including the shooting of six men involved with nightclubs since September. Despite his strong sentiments against outlaw motorcycle gangs, he claims he has been shown no evidence to suggest they were responsible for these attacks.

07/10/2016 Union Complaints at Abattoir
The local butchers union threatened industrial action today claiming that the Greener Pastures Abattoir has employed, in secret, an additional night shift. The union claim that work was completed overnight by workers not on the books. The companies denies any such arrangement. Saying that this is just another tactic by union thugs in the middle of a pay dispute.

05/10/2016 Advertisement: The Rough Tradie
A new adult erotica store has been opened near The Strip. We have all manner of adult delights from Black Mamba's to Adult Massages ;) From Senior Administrative Nurse outfits to 100Ltr bulk lube jars. Open 24/7 for the discerning customer. Hope to see you soon. xxx VV xxx

September 2016 News

25/09/2016 Museum Theft
Last night parts of our traditional history were stolen in what appears to have been a snatch and grab at the Roxby Downs Museum last night. The police state that the thief waited until the Museum was closed before brazenly performing a snatch and grab on the relic. Sources in the security suspect an inside job that relied on the inefficiency of the security cameras in dark when it came to the quickness of movement. When asked about this Museum officials stated that they were considering an upgrade of the security camera system if the city can release the funds.

23/09/2016 Miracle of the Equinox
Residents of the town have woken to a spring miracle. Plants and grass have bloomed and boomed overnight. Witness claim around 11:50 last night a great blooming of all flowers happened and by this morning the city was in a level of natural spender not seen for some time.

21/09/2016 Bodies in the Bins
In a dark crime that has shades of the Snowtown killings a series of dismembered corpses has been found in dumpsters near The Strip. While police aren't commenting much at this stage from the reports we have it seems the bodies and severed limbs were displayed and pointed down another alleyway in which they found three older corpses. Local police are handling the matter due to the overworking of Adelaide police with their own wave of spree killings and mutilations.

18/09/2016 The Satanic Verses
Reports have been received that The Satanic Temple of South Australia, which is based in Adelaide, and has chapters in several states, has been moving to counter well-funded fundamentalist Christian organizations that it believes are eroding the values in public schools. An unidentified local school has been approached to begin an after school program of religious education. The unnamed source said the after-school program would show "that people can be of different religious opinions and still be moral, upright people."

16/09/2016 Church Opens Its Doors
The Church of Roxby Downs will be opening it's doors for public service this coming Sunday. The service, which will be going from 9am to 9pm will be a time of reflection and peace. Father Samuel McElhone will be running the services for the entire period as a show of vigor and resillience that the Lord bestows on his servants. All the community of Roxby Downs are invited to attend the service.

15/09/2015 First Day
The Roxby Library had its first weekly book club today and turn out was better than expected. Library staff expect even better attendance in the coming weeks.

14/09/2016 Book Club Comes Back
Popular romance author, Estelle Monroe, is reportedly moving to Roxby Downs this week to begin research on her new novel. Monroe's previous best sellers include Pack Heart (a werewolf romance), Hope From The Deep (a demon romance), and Shifting Skins (a shapeshifting romance). While in town Monroe is hoping to restart the lost library book club. It's unsure how long Monroe will be in town but you can find her daily live journal of her trip at estelleromancex.livejournal.com

13/09/2016 Mystery Man Manages to Stabilise
The man who viciously assaulted and killed a pedestrian outside of 11.04 has reached a stable condition in hospital and authorities are hoping he will make enough of a recovery to be able to answer questions about the incident.

12/09/2016 Vicious Assault by Bar
Tragedy rocked the 11.04 bar early this morning as a man, described as having a mohawk, viciously attacked and killed a pedestrian. The man, supposedly having overdosed on ice, was arrested by police when he was found passed out with the body down an alleyway. The police are encouraging witnesses to step forward about the incident.

11/09/2016 Car Crash Craziness
Traffic was stopped today after a car crash outside of the Illusion bar. No one was killed but a pedestrian and the driver are currently both hospitalised. The driver is expected to face negligent driving charges.

10/09/2016 Big Bang Boom
Mr Long's general store has been fined $1000 after it was caught selling illegal fireworks. Mr Long has assured The Blue Tongue that it was simply a clerical error and that it will not happen for a third time.

10/09/2016 Rain on the Plain
A freak micro-climate formed above the Clyde K. Mitchell greenhouse around 2am last night. The micro-climate gave the plants of the greenhouse a soaking, thankfully there was no damage.

09/09/2016 One Man's Trash is Another Kid's Future
The Roxby Downs city council have announced a new initiative to keep the city clean this week. Roxby Downs Primary students will spend a lesson a week working on community enrichment projects including rubbish collecting and learning about the environment.

09/09/2016 Getting Ahead
Three teenage girls were arrested and charged today for disorderly conduct and traffic disruption. The girls, all 17, were reported to have been wearing very small shorts, no shoes, and hoodies with polystyrene heads in the hoods, while being recorded for a popular web based video sharing service. Authorities were alerted to their antics after they stopped traffic on Axehead Road to dance to pop music.

08/09/2016 Survey Starting
A collaborative effort of three leading universities across Australia are teaming up to conduct surveys on life in small towns and will include questions related to costs and substance abuse, the survey is completely opinional to participate in but those who do will be supplied a $25 voucher for Woolworths in return for their time.

08/09/2016 Bottle-o Break-in
Police arrested a local teenager today after he was caught attempting to rob the Black Stump bottle-o with a large knife. Police are questioning the man in regards to the theft at Jameson Hunting Goods earlier this week. His family has stated that, "he was always such a good boy, he would never have done something like this". He is expected to face trial in the coming weeks.

07/09/2016 Cratering Out
Emergency services were alarmed today to find a sinkhole suddenly forming in the Roxby Downs football oval. The sinkhole, which is reported to be multiple metres in diameter, was discovered when two teams of local kids were going for their daily kick about. It was regrettably found when one of the boys, Jackson Marks, fell and the ground collapsed beneath him. The area has been cordoned off with police tape and officers are beginning to investigate why the sewers seem to come under the oval. Residents are asked to be extremely careful when playing on the oval.

07/09/2016 Mine-dful Optimism
Executives of the Olympic Mine predict it should be reopening for work on the 12th of September after final safety checks have been approved. A spokesperson for the mine has said, "we look forward to getting everyone back to work and putting this travesty behind us. God willing the new safety features we have in place will prevent any further harm to come to our staff".

07/09/2016 Great Greenhouse Regrowth
The Clyde K Mitchell Memorial Greenhouse is almost finished repairs after the damages caused to it during the earthquake on the 14th of August. The representative of the Memorial, Michael Roberts, stated that he predicts the work will be completed in the next week.

07/09/2016 Funding Falls Flat Finally
Governmental budget cuts to the Australian Broadcasting Corporation (ABC) has caused widespread closing down of community radio stations in outback regions. This has been widely regarded as a terrible idea and some towns are organising protest rallies in their cities.

06/09/2016 Grey Skies Ahead
Residents were shocked last week after a patch of rain actually swept over the city. The rain has caused some tufts of grass to grow in some places. The grass is not expected to last long with the arrival of spring. We ask the citizens of Roxby to enjoy the greener pastures while they're available.

06/09/2016 Scones for Hearts
The Country Women's Association (CWA) will be hosting a fundraiser in Roxby Downs in conjunction with Variety on the 30/9/2016. Residents are asked to open their pockets and their hearts to delicious baked charity when the women come to town.

06/09/2016 Guns for Theft
Local hunting supplies store, Jameson Hunting Goods, was robbed last night. At about 4am police claim the alarms of the shop were deactivated and the door was cut open. The perpetrator is said to have stolen a series of shotguns, rifles, high calibre pistols, and various sizes of knives. The thief did not manage to crack the safe for the store earning and neither did they manage to take any ammunition before fleeing local authorities. Police ask all residents of Roxby Downs to be careful of people acting suspicious and to be mindful of the sounds of gunfire. Please call police if you know of any suspicious activity.

August 2016 News

27/08/2016 Cultist Massacres
Last night possible satanic cultists committed a string of murders. A security guard was killed in a werehouse near the train-lines. Not satisfied with this the cultists then killed 4 in an apparent meth lab. A visibly distressed Police Chief Jefferies released a statement. "Our prayers go out to the famalies of the security guard and the men killed at the other location. While the 4 men were known to police a crime such as this is not something that should be perpetrated on any member of the public. We will endeavour our utmost to determine the culprits of these atrocities. May God have mercy on their souls."

20/08/2016 Mine Investigation Continues
Investigations by Safework SA, representatives from the company and the unions are continuing. Early findings show that the collapse was isolated and limited to the new works. Previous works are being confirmed as safe before the mine opens to limited digging. Olympic Mines hopes that sometime in the next two weeks the mine will open.

14/08/2016 Mine Tragedy Kills 55
Disaster struck in the small hours of last night as expansion projects caused a collapse deep in the mine. The collapse was felt across the city, smashing glass and setting off alarms. It is believed that the entirety of the shift was killed but there is little hope for survivors. Safework SA has ordered the site secured and rescue crews and inspectors will be headed down tomorrow if the mine is determined to be safe.
Olympic Security is also morning the loss of its first responders who were killed when weakened struts collapsed onto their patrol cars. The thoughts of the staff at the Blue Tongue are with the 47 miners and their families as well as the 8 Security officers and their families.
Stay safe out there friends.

13/08/2016 Mental Health Services Pushed to the Brink
The mental health outpatient services of Saint Alexander's General Hospital are requesting additional funding to keep inline with a sharp increase in the number of patients over the last two months. Investigation has shown that of the new patients most are having nightmares about the mine and being pulled into it. Naturally the work in the mine is a high stress environment and when asked Dr Rivers, lead Psychologist at the clinic, said that while an increase in mental fatigue is expected with additional high stress work, she believes that this increase goes beyond what is normally expected. The spokesperson for Olympic Mining only commented to say that miners mental health is a private matter and the mine respects their privacy.

12/08/2016 More Minor Tremors
More minor tremors have been felt in the city. Olympic Mining has been contacted and said the tremors are inline with the explosive work and intensive drilling they are currently doing to the new seam of yellow cake.

08/08/2016 The Carnival is in Town
The Dark Carnival has arrived into town under the cover of night. Its tents flap in desert wind, enticing curious sorts in to see sights and sounds the like of which the city has not seen for some time. It isn’t known if they are staying for long but their call of ‘Roll up. Roll up’ can be heard just north of town. The Blue Tongue will be at opening night to get a review for you.

July 2016 News

18/07/2016 Mine Expansions a Massive Undertaking
The Olympic Dam mine is pleased to announce the ongoing work to open up a new section of the profitable mine. A spokes person has stated "We at the mine are pleased to bring further prosperity and jobs to the city of Roxby Downs in the climate of global uncertainty. We would like to thank the relevant authorities for not listening to the scaremongering of the noisy protesters last fortnight and instead focuing on the important things in life, jobs and prosperity for all."

03/07/2016 The Lizard Bites Back
A small by the numbers protest against economic prosperity is happened at the moment. Police have reported a 27% increase in drug arrests and a 11% increase in property crime arrests since the mob has arrived and illegally camped near the mine.

2/07/2016 Disaster at Fools’ Gold
The worst possible scenario happened at Fools’ Gold last night, when it ran out of Pale Ale. Patrons were forced to switch to VB in an act of desperation. Fools’ Gold have told The Blue Tongue that their next truck load of supplies will arrive in a few days.

June 2016 News

28/06/2016 Nothing to Get Shook Up Over
Olympic Dam officials have downplayed concerns over a series of minor tremors over the weekend stating that it was timed with a series of large blasting work. Roxby Downs’ council has sent a series of inspectors to the mines and the Blue Tongue has learned that the reports will show the tremors are from the blasting work.

26/06/2016
The beloved pet Poodle of the Mayor’s wife, Arlene Mitchell, has been found safe and well. The only ill effect of his disappearance for the last few days is that some lark spray painted his poofy tail day glow orange.

14/06/2016 Road Warriors
A family of three is lucky to be ok after a violent carjacking south of the city last night. The Weston family claim to have been run off the road by a motorcycle gang before having their car and possessions stolen. This is the third carjacking in the last two months and police claim not to have the resources required to scour the countryside looking for the perpetrators of these crimes.