St. Louis Supernatural Tabloid

Description

A tabloid published incredibly irregularly by Amri detailing random events involving St. Louis's many supernatural circles. The public at large views it as Click-Baity dreck, giving it a bit of a cult following similar to that of other satirical news outlets. Amri refuses to comment on whether or not that connection irks them.

June, 2017

Posted June 12th, 2017

NIGHT CONGRESS HITS QUOTE ON CRAZY PEOPLE

Shit, that's supposed to be Quota. How do I backspace? I'lol fix it later.

"Good morning St. Louis, Amri here once again with your weekly totally-not-a-tabloid update! The meeting between city and congressional representatives was marred by--" No, that's horrible.

"Mayor Winchester visited the Hotel St. Jude today to meet with Night Congress representatives. They discussed a proactive political plan--ha, alliteration--to defeat Caligula in the upcoming election. Unfortunately, he caught wind of their meeting and rather unceremoniously barged into the chambers."

Of course, their plan did techncially work, right? He's going to drop out of the race? I guess he won't have to deal with those 'home address' allegations. Oh well. Where was I--

"Sources indicated that the Voice of Alphas released some kind of uber-dog out of a vault. Is that the correct term--I don't think--Stop it, ya jerkoff! Uh--released what appeared to be a terrifyingly powerful Uratha. The back of the vault in question had a note, apparently left by one Augustus Reigns: 'You're fucking welcome.'"

That's nice, innit? Oh, they think--really? Huh. I'll look into that.

What's next? Oh.

"Caligula officially claimed praxis, though deferred the challenge until after his upcoming event in July. He was reported later to have said, 'I have better things to do than coddle insignificant little whelps as they--who's that typing?' Unfortunately the informat was unable to remain."

Something something something something... Didn't someone mention a silver spirit? Oh! Right. This was funny.

"In the lighter news, the Hotel received a new piano! Patrons claim it to be 'incredibly off-putting,' 'kinda creepy,' and 'hey, who are you? Are you recording this?'"

I'll have to rearrange these. It's hard to establish flow when there's so much to talk about. It's like everyone just decided to go nuts all at once. I blame the lunar cycle.

"Officially labored a traitor, the mage known as 'Wolf' was run out of St. Louis--where's the fucking backspace? Labled, I said labled! I hate this program--and his current whereabouts are unknown."

Wait. Was Command and Dictation on? Oh shit, no one say 'send.'

Posted June 13th, 2017

Amri's List of Weird St. Louis Things - Early June Edition

1) County Police Departments are currently investigating a string of assaults/murders. All the witnesses claim to hear 'quacking' throughout the building while the attack takes place. Survivors refused to comment. Apparently I need 'credentials' otherwise I'm 'just some nut job with a LiveJournal.' Rude.

2) Witnesses in Webster Groves claim to have seen a miniature T-Rex crashing through lawns over the past few nights. At least one cat has been reported missing. Keep an eye out for a 3-foot tall lizard with jaws of metaphorical steel apparently.

3) Local astronomers are tracking a previously unidentified astral object--most likely a small comet--that will hit the atmosphere right above Missouri in about a month. Experts say there's nothing to worry about as it is too small to survive re-entry. However, they are puzzled as to how it has gone unnoticed for so long, based on its trajectory.

4) A sudden uptick in random street art has been plaguing city officials over the last 72 hours. There are rumors of an underground contest, though the prize is unknown. Most of the 'installations' depict a usually-glowing/sparkling, emaciated man with long incisors, and usually getting the crap kicked out of them by someone or something or many someones or somethings. Often, the murals include onlookers stylized as roman legionnaires. Some of the murals are even good.

5) Forest Park has a squirrel problem--this morning, a few of them started breathing fire. I lost my favorite pen. It made the most pleasant clicking noises.

6) A large explosion last night damaged one of the Cahokia mounds. Currently assumed to have been a natural gas pocket that had slowly been filling the ground beneath.

7) The morning commute across the Poplar Street Bridge did not go as planned. Cars randomly found themselves facing the wrong way, on top of each other, or just suddenly missing key components--like their driver, now standing on the side of the bridge, incredibly confused. That's probably not good, right? Local media has been advised not run the story, citing 'a 12-car pileup' as the source of the delays.

End of June, 2017 Collection

(A collection of headlines featured in the Special Late Night, end of June Edition of the STL Supernatural Tabloid)

Children, Elderly, the Sick Complain of Bad Dreams
Is John Caligula Actually an Alien? Mayoral Race Concession Points to Yes
5 Signs That You Are a Werewolf
New Nightclub -- Is It Worth the Danger?
Dullahan or College Prank Gone Wrong?
10 Things You Can Do To Not Piss Off the JeffCo Bridge Troll
City Mourns Death of Resident Party Prince
Does Anyone Actually Read This Anymore?
8 Reasons Not to Go to Forest Park
Have You Seen This Horse?
The Life of a Park Bench
Garlic: A Dossier

July, 2017

Posted July 14th, 2017

This Month's Guest Submissions

Home and Lair security, is it fireproof enough? Is it ever fireproof enough? With a rash of recent fires, fire safety has been holding a place of prominence in the last few weeks. Chief Butterswat of station 62 has been leading the charge on public education and helping community members evaluate and upgrade their existing fire suppression systems, as, as he puts it, “there is no such thing as too much fire suppression.” See page 3 for more.

Bob’s general store has a run on live animal traps and marshmallows, is this aliens or a conspiracy? Bob of Bob’s general store, near Forest Park, has ran completely out of live traps, (and marshmallows) twice in the last few months. Query to stores that carry similar products in that area have also reported similar consumer usage. Bob is convinced there are aliens walking amongst the citizen’s of Saint Louis, and they are trapping small rodentia for meals, and using the marshmallows as bait. See page 2 for interviews from Bob and Bob’s customers.

Keeping court and taking names Within any organization there is a structure of some kind. Some are more casual, bosses and a couple assistant managers perhaps. Other may harken back to older types, with a prince, and vassals (or minions however you see it). Those days, some say were glorious. This writer can only read about such times, for the courts of today, what few are left, are often more casual. Still each role had a reason, and many of those roles exist today. There was always someone in charge, even if that someone changed hands via, say, a beheading or blackmail, or maybe even a game of chance. There was often someone who enforced things, say a head of the guard, or captain or something. So many roles, but a favorite of mine was the jester. According to local expert J. Orzenie, “They could point out the foibles of the court through humour and get away with it.” Perhaps society needs such a role. We here at the Saint Louis Supernatural Tabloid agree, and are rolling out a new advice column, Dear Aello. Aello’s identity is a closely guarded secret, so the expectation is that everyone will know by noon tomorrow. See page 2 for Dear Aello.

Car Wreck Summer numbers soar Local law enforcement warns residents to be safe out there, drive safe, and remember to call the hotline if they need a ride home due to imbibing too much alcohol. Numbers of deaths and injury is double what it was this time last year, per a memo from the StL PD. For full articles see page 4. Homeless swear they are being chased by a Sea serpent The homeless are reporting higher numbers of missing residents. Granted, in a transient populace, this can be something impossible to fully track, per research from Federal Guideline to Bums, but they are convinced their missing comrades are due to a giant sea serpent living near the arch, that comes out at night to stalk and enslave them into serving as it’s slippery night walking minions. Truth or yet another bad dream from spoiled Chinese eaten out of a trash bin? See page 3.

Man in Basement convinced war is coming The local crazies club, hosted out of several elder residents basements, has been spreading word that they see the beginnings of a street war. This reporter was unable to confirm the status of several of the major players amongst the organized crime, but the one’s that did respond stated that everything was under control, and to stay out of it, or ‘expect a long cold swim in heavy shoes’. More on page 4.

Aello’s Advice It’s tragic that in this day and age common courtesy seems to have fallen by the wayside. It used to be if you ran over your neighbors prized bull, you stopped, sacrificed it, and then paid both the owner and the gods their due. Grannie Elder didn’t have to stop by and point out that forgetting to do so usually got you fined and hunted by some younger god’s bastard kid. Perhaps it is because we have forgotten the old gods. I highly doubt that they have forgotten about us. So do ponder, when you step on other’s toes, how you can repair the fence that keeps everyone a good neighbor? Yes, you may be a bigger landowner, or a have more…. Sheep… but we all share the same lands, for now. Which brings me to my next piece of advice. Things aren’t always what they seem. A building may look like a building, but it could be a castle. It could be semi aware, with years of ghosts and goblins walking through its walls. We’ve all walked into a place that felt…well more than it was. In those instances, along with instances of visiting one’s honored relatives, or those of another, it is considered… polite… to bring a gift. This is a practice American’s seem to have forgotten. This is unfortunate, and a inadvisable situation that needs rectified. What types of gifts are appropriate? They need to be carefully chosen, with the recipient in mind, not just picked up at the corner dump shop. One should tailor the gift carefully, to show thought was used in the selection of said gift. One should avoid anything uncouth, or base. Feel free to drop me a line. Do you agree? Disagree? Have a question on manners you would like to see discussed- Aello.